chaotic masterpiece

out with the old, in with the new

2006-12-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

new year's just around the corner... i'm getting tired of the old stuff... if anyone's still out there reading this, fair warning to you... this blog would soon be deleted... but i won't be gone completely...

this blog, the previous posts, the previous settings, the previous links... are all to be deleted and replaced with something else... i'm making changes as a result of some careful re-evaluation...

expect a different side of chaotic masterpiece come new year's... grittier... more angst... but with less drama than most people are used to... how can that happen?

simple... the few people that read this that i actually know would know nothing about what i write... they're all oblivious anyway... and if one particular reader who once made an anonymous comment (yet made their identity so obvious by how the comment was written), reacts violently then hey, kudos to you... you actually figured something out for once...

but for now, so long... the next time i post, i'd be showing how i really am and not someone that follows a certain code just to impress... so have a merry fuckin' christmas and a happy motherfuckin' new year!

disasters and distraught

2006-10-02T19:27:00.000+08:00

a storm came over the country bearing the storm signal number 3... 160 kilometer per hour winds & nonstop rain brought about neck-high floods and power outage... not to mention, uprooted trees and sent some toppling onto electric wires...

i was stuck in my apartment 15 minutes away from the campus since that storm came in... lost power thursday morning and only get water late at night... worst thing was, i didn't have money on me and all banks were offline so i couldn't get cash out... mind you, there was NO food in the house... and i'm still sick...

i got my mobile charged thru a friend whose dorm had a generator and was finally able to contact my mom, who after 2 hours of texting her, got me out of that disaster area... i just got safely home around 1:30am...

classes were suspended for a week... why? not because the storm is still in... but rather, the storm caused too big of a disaster on campus... my school is located on a mountain-side, heck, mountain even... uprooted trees, fallen branches, no power, no water... no classes...

the hanging bridge actually came down!!! that thing is made of cement... the reason it's called hanging bridge is because the only real support it had were the 2 parts of land it connects... add tons of rain, have the dirt loose and goodbye hanging bridge...

as far as i know, 35 people have died in the laguna area... and plenty more around the storm-stricken areas... pray for their souls...

p.s.
sorry if the thoughts are scrambled... my head is still reeling...

p.p.s.
there's news about another storm coming in the country with 200 km/hr winds... eeeeeeeeeeep!!!

after all this time it still fuckin hurts

2006-08-25T22:43:00.000+08:00

i hate being a martyr... if anything else, i wish i could change that part of me... the part that still hopes against hope that everything would be the way i see it in my head... i already lost count on how many times my heart has been broken because of the way i am...

i thought i got thru, after being the first to make some sort of move... i gave a greeting, he said thanks... i thought maybe in a few weeks time, he'd return the favor... he never did... it's like i never really existed for him... and it fuckin hurt... it still does...

despite the fact that i was the one to walk away, i still hurt... coz he meant that much... and from what has happened, or rather, what hasn't happened, i never meant anything... and it's gotten me screwed up...

i feel exactly like i felt when i got dismissed... i question everything i am... i have a lot of self-doubt, i feel worthless, good for nothing, hopeless... and all because of one person i can't seem to let go of...

no matter how much i try to let go and act like i don't give a damn, i break down at the mere thought of things changing... i guess i just expected too much... and all i got was disappointment in the end... and just got torn apart...

i just wish someone could take the pain away... i can't take much of it anymore... i can see myself going drastic... and i don't want that... no one would want that...

help

freedom of speech is a muthafuckin' right

2006-07-02T05:25:00.000+08:00

the right to freedom of speech is pretty much preached all over the world... unless of course, you live in a place ruled by a dictator or is overrun by insurgents or is being attacked by a 1st world country... anyways...

i find it funny, highly amusing and quite pathetic seeing lots of people get their heads bashed in for making their thoughts known... of course, the negative reaction is a right reserved by anyone that got wind of those thoughts... but if you do make those snide remarks in reaction, please be prepared to get hit back and not whine off to mommy or whoever you run to when you get a nasty boo-boo...

and i got off-track again... what i'm trying to say is... put up or shut up... it would be nice if you make a comment against someone with something to back you up... if not, you just made yourself look like a humungous fool...

back to the grind

2006-06-14T18:58:00.000+08:00

hmm... summer's over... still the same old shit on here... sue me... i like to sleep...

i'm back in lb, my enrolment sched is for tomorrow... i'm starting to fear what i'll be seeing on my form 5... i won't be surprised if i happen to find a lack of units... i've lost passion for what i once thought i wanted, now i want out... just so happens, the higher-ups don't want me out... bullshit rules about having no subject listed as failed... isn't that the point with me wanting out of the system?

anyways... life's still going... that's the important part right? then again, life's pretty dull for me...

somebody help...

100 days and finally home

2006-05-25T16:54:00.000+08:00

for everyone that's been lookin' for me, i'm finally back home from college... of course, my days at home will be limited to about 3 weeks then i go back to that wretched black hole...

this is my 100th post... tv shows get to celebrate when they hit the 100-mark... i think blogs need it too... well... i don't know how to celebrate... maybe a new layout... we'll see... i have a copy of the one that danna made so long ago... i just need to input the necessary blogger tags and it should be up... but knowing how i'm only a mediocrity when it comes to coding, don't wait for it... it'll be up when it's up..

life moves pretty fast

2006-05-10T12:37:00.000+08:00

time's so short, days are long... you can never really distinguish how much time has passed by til you stop your own world from turning and realize that everything has changed...

i never really get to update much... i don't know if it's because there's nothing to talk about or because there's too much noise in my head to give you a clear story...

all i know is this... time has passed and some long-treasured memories are now being put in a box to be stored in the deepest, darkest corners of my closet... summer has come and is about to be gone... i miss my friends... i miss my family... i miss the life of being able to sit still and see everything... everything's a blur now...

life has stood up and ran on me...

update schmupdate

2006-04-08T02:58:00.000+08:00

so yeah... i did promise updates but i am in total summer bum mood and haven't really thought or done anything to write about... unless if you wanna read about me sleeping all day, waking up late into the afternoon and just getting my grades... no thanks, would be my answer...

no drama going on in my life right now, so there's nothing to pick apart... thus, i've come to realize... my life is a total bore... and with the holy week being my only week home before the summer classes start, i've got close to or absolutely no life here in manila...

i think i'm better off asleep these days... i'm more productive that way... heh... i don't waste energy thus lose weight that i can't afford to lose... then again, i skip meals that i can't afford to skip either...

goal for the holy week: forego any religious rules on what to eat and stuff my face... get lots of sleep and hopefully gain at least 5 pounds... that's 5 pounds closer to looking normal...

goal for the summer classes: pass whatever i'm enlisting in... be able to shift, if not in diliman, at least a change of course in lb more keen to my interests...

long-term goal: be less of a bum... look normal (although, this seems like a long-shot)... act normal (yep... aiming for the impossible)...

absence makes the heart grow fonder

2006-03-23T20:03:00.000+08:00

er... maybe... maybe not...

sorry for the lack of updates... got very busy with studies (yeah right!)... expect more updates, a probable change in layouts and a more extensive look into my life after tuesday next week...

i finally get my life back... ha!

where has the time gone?

2006-02-20T05:09:00.000+08:00

only a couple more weeks and school will be done for the year here in the philippines... at least for those not taking summer classes... i'll go cliche and say that it seems just like yesterday that i waited for an hour or so to get my list of classes and worrying over the classes i was to take...

now, the worries have switched to the piles of requirements stacked on my table, wondering how much sleep i'm going to have to pass over for it... setting several alarm clocks to wake me up for classes i'm close to dropping due to excessive absences... busy busy busy...

that's where time has gone... everyone seems to be buried under the deep haze of their academics and the stress it brings... buried deep enough to not be able to get with friends if even for a while...

it's gotten some of my friends, myself even, into a slump... even after 2 years, it comes as a shock to the system when the close knit of friends you had in high school can't even spend a good 5 minutes together in laughter during the school year... only having to make up for it come vacation time... then having to go back to the same busy and stressful routine for a couple months and be longing for that week or so vacation to spend with one another...

sad... so very sad...

and here's another sob story for you...

my former best friend is leaving in a couple of weeks as well... i'm not really sure when... he's migrating to the US... i haven't spoken to him in a while... and after an entry i've made here on what a 'joke' our friendship was, i probably never will again...

for some people, closure is a good thing... for some, it just comes as a confusion...

on the off chance that he still comes here to read my thoughts, goodbye... i hope you find what you've been looking for over at the other side of the earth... should we speak again, maybe we can start over... make up for the lost time...

but until then, i shall be left wondering...

sniper

2006-02-04T01:15:00.000+08:00

a friend of mine's getting sent over to iraq tomorrow...

to everyone of my reader's please pray for his safe return...

to levi: like i said... i want you to get back in once piece with all parts functioning properly! take care!

scared shitless

2006-01-28T00:14:00.000+08:00

my apartment here in lb got broken into early morning of the 27th... it's a fairly safe compound... the front gates were always locked... there was a high fence at the back... a dog that barks at anyone... but they still were able to break in...

i got to sleep around 2am finishing some homework... i was running on low sleep to begin with, so i was dead tired... no later than my head hitting the pillow, i was out like a light...

i never heard anything, felt anything and neither did my house mate who was asleep in the other room... fortunately for her, her door was locked... i never got to lock my door, sleep was the 1st thing on my mind when i went into my bedroom... they got my ipod that was sitting on the keyboard of my pc, they got my cellphone, my camera, 200 bucks from my bag and my watch... the last 4 things taken were in my room...

they got in my fucking room!!!

i only got woken up by the incessant knocking on my door at around 8 am this morning... it was the owner of the apartment compound... you could hear the sighs of relief that i was ok... but there were looks of worry as well...

2 people from the town hall came in and asked questions... a couple of minutes later, a campus police officer came in to ask questions as well... they were able to determine that the culprits, at least 2, came in via the vacant lot at the back of the house... there were several trashcans that were piled up against the fence... our window screens, in all rooms, got cut in hopes to get thru there... but there were metal grills on the window... however, the front door was close to the window... it only had one lock and it was easy to open...

i still can't get over the fact that they got in my room... i was too distraught to even think about the 2 classes i missed...

fuck! i'm scared shitless... dozens of what ifs coming to mind... what if i woke up and they did any bodily harm? fuck! we were just 2 girls in the house... in the middle of a town with a high crime rate...

a friend of mine's house got broken into a couple of months ago... 3 guys were held at gunpoint for their cellphones... 2 girls suffered the same fate...

that's the only thing i'm really thankful for... i never had to look at the face of something or someone that could threaten my life...

still... scared shitless... i'm on edge right now... no amount of locks could ease it...

the park's no longer green

2006-01-21T00:43:00.000+08:00

major announcement!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

i no longer live where the park is green... don't get it? then never you mind...

sorry for the lack of updates... especially with regards to the broken links... really never found time... and if there was time, i never really felt like working on it...

and now, i'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off because of the number of requirements piled on me by stupid professors... i know you're thinking "if they're stupid, then why are they professors?"... i don't know the answer to that... in my opinion, they just are :P

but yeah... hehe!

merry fuckin christmas

2005-12-25T05:10:00.000+08:00

i have just again proven that i have one fucked up family...

well, it's christmas... usually people spend that with their families and people they love... not for me... here's the christmas scenario with my family...

we have 3 houses located in one long street... one house, the main one, houses my grandmother, my aunt and her nepalese boyfriend and my uncle... the other house has my eldest aunt, her husband and their 2 kids... third house, of course, houses me and my mom...

you would think that we'd be spending christmas in the main house right? wrong...

we spent it... totally apart... in those 3 houses... found in one fuckin street...

you better not pout

2005-12-17T01:42:00.000+08:00

fuck it... i'll pout if i want to...

christmas hasn't really lived up to it's previous cheer... i dunno... i don't feel like it's the christmas season, albeit, i'm reminded frequently due to the bright lights enveloping roads and highways even under the darkest of skies... there's a great contrast between the red tail lights of cars amidst the traffic and the bright yellow, green, blue and whatever other color there is on lanterns... is this what christmas has been reduced to?

street kids pop out from nowhere... begging for a little amount... some change perhaps... even if you say you don't have any, they practically play patintero with you until you give them something or at least a promise that you will the next time around... what the fuck?!

christmas somehow becomes a time for gift obligations... that or be hated forever by nieces, nephews, cousins, godsons, goddaughters, brothers, sisters and some other family members and friends... seriously...

if we're following the whole gift-giving thing as done with the wise men and christ, we should do it in april... that's when christ was really born anyway... and who says there were 3 wise men? there were 3 gifts... nowhere does it state that there were 3 wise men...

christmas is just another sorry excuse for a holiday as promoted by hallmark... fuckin profiteers!

gone

2005-12-08T00:45:00.000+08:00

i lost my phone... my barely 2-month old phone... fucker...

selfish fucker

2005-12-03T12:20:00.000+08:00

for the more generous people out there, ever have taht feeling about being asked something simple, yet to you is just too much? and that's after considering everything of course...

it just happened last night, but if i really think about it, it's probably gone on for about a year now... and as some have pointed out, it's actually been ever since the whole friendship started...

i'm a generous person... i don't really ask for much in return, just the kind consideration and appreciation that would make anyone feel that they did something right... and maybe, somewhere along the line, have them do something for me, even if it's just a small thing...

but no... from this particular guy, i get nothing... i gave a heck of a lot and i keep getting asked to give... and it sucks that i just now realized how totally one-sided the friendship is... i feel used...

what sucks even more is that he's totally oblivious to how selfish he is... inconsiderate bastard!

sometimes i feel like shouting to his face, that i hate this and just forget the so-called friendship... it can't even merit that... he hardly knows me... and i fucking call him one of my bestfriends... shit...

i have 2 pet peeves now:
1) 2-faced liars that love to spread stories to up their status... once confronted, turn into whiny bitches then turn into freakin' schizos... (backtrack to the wolf in sheep's clothing entry if you don't know what i'm talking about)

2) selfish fuckers that don't know when to extract their heads from their asses and do something for someone else for just once in their lives...

erm

2005-11-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

my mind's drawing a constant blank... that's why i haven't really written much... it sucks...

and oh yeah!

i've narrowed my choices for the course that i really want to take up and not just because it has a low gwa requirement...

i have geography, sociology, journalism, communications research and the unreachable psychology...

geography seems to be ok... i mean, yeah... most people think it's just maps and latitudes blah, but really, it's more than that... think travel, think culture, think different environments... basically, think national geographic :)

sociology's fine too... connected to a whole lot of things depending on what you really wanna focus on... economics, society, politics... take out the politics part and i'm cool with it...

journalism because i like to write... i'm not so sure still if i wanna take creative writing or journalism... i'm leaning more on journalism though... good way to mix your art with more wordly things like opening others' minds on poverty and hunger...

communications research... hmm... there's a whole lot involved here, again depending on what your focus is... a lot of jobs to choose from... only thing is if they're hiring... hehe...

and of course, psychology... my ultimate dream... one big turnoff is the amount of stuff you have to read... but then again, that's how you really get good at it... analyzing previous discoveries and observations and then interpreting them via your own understanding... it's making light of life's quirkiness not so simply put in thesaurus wording... haha! but yeah, i like it...

so... if any of my readers have any comments on what you think is a good choice from these, or any other course, please make a comment via the tagboard...

another thing... if you're wondering about the broken links under the 'take the girl' area, they're really broken... i haven't gotten around to encoding the stuff that's supposed to be under there... i haven't gotten around to jsut taking the links down either... hehe... maybe during the christmas brek though... hehe... :)

grateful

2005-11-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

this one's for danna...

thanks very much!

for noticing, for listening, for the tough love, for the advice, for the assurance, for your presence, for not thinking little of me, for caring...

basically, thanks for everything...

ultimatum

2005-11-01T16:35:00.000+08:00

i feel like there's a price on top of my head... like i have to continue running towards a goal not because i'd like to but because i have to... to exert all efforts and energy to gain something i never really wanted for myself but for someone else...

but who am i to argue? it's not like i have anyone else... i don't want to become a burden but it seems that's what i've become... everyone else has left me over pride and greed... i have no choice but the one i'm left with...

nowhere and no one to run to... i'm left struggling with the fact that i can never really be myself anymore...

i can never be free... not after today...

for those that knew me before this day, i'm sorry you'll never get your friend back... i am forever changed and chained to a harsh reality that i know i can't fight free from...

for the ball and chain that has given me my ultimatum... all of it's for you... take it all... my being and my life... none for me...

a week in the arms of my beloveds

2005-10-31T14:14:00.000+08:00

i spent the last week house hopping with my barkada... i came straight from lb, and needless to say, i was dead tired by the end of the week...

it was well worth it though...

even til now i can't pour out much more coherent thoughts... my mind still remains blank as it was weeks ago...

it seems that the only time i ever really felt different was with my friends... it's bothering me now...

the slightest things irritate me... i feel like i'm dying from the inside and i have no clue as to what to do or say to stop it...

but with my friends... i feel like i'm myself again... no worries, no hassles... just me having fun...

oh how i wish for the past week to just go on and replay in my life...

sick

2005-10-13T00:25:00.000+08:00

both physically and emotionally... erm... latter one seems a wee bit silly though...

i've been sick since sunday with some sort of colds that i think was actually the flu coz i felt a little warmer to the touch for 2 days... i'm just coming down from it... still feel a little out of the weather though...

but hey... better get sick now rather than be sick in the middle of the sembreak...

oh yeah... sorry for the lack of updates... here's where the emotionally sick part comes in... seems that nothing really happens to me anymore, good or bad... life's been pretty boring, tiring and erm... nothing really...

sometimes i find myself wishing for those dramatic emotionally draining days i've had before... all the angst and craziness that surrounds my life to just pop back up again... i don't know if that's some sort of sadistic thought or what... i just want something to spark some sort of life in me again... i'm losing myself amidst the boredom...

maybe that's the reason i haven't gotten to write... i've experienced writer's block over the past month... both for this blog and everything else... can't seem to form coherent thoughts, just blurbs...

so yeah... i'm going against a former entry and just say: BRING ON THE DRAMA!!!

she will be loved

2005-09-21T00:51:00.000+08:00

if you have access to a tv and get to watch mtv regularly, you might have watched laguna beach... maybe even a couple of times already... i was never really a fan of that show... i never really got the point... why follow a bunch of kids living their lives on tv when you have a frontrow seat to that lifestyle by taking notice to what you do and the people around you...

anyways... out of boredom and having nothing else to watch, i tuned in to the show earlier... i believe it was the finale coz they were sending stepehen and lauren off to college in san francisco... from what i've been told, the 2 are bestfriends... a fact that stephen's girlfriend isn't exactly fond of given that they're gonna be together a lot while she's left in laguna...

but that's not why i'm writing about laguna beach...

at the end of the show, lauren was featured parting with her parents at the airport... the camera followed her walking thru security and then followed her again when she landed as she was grabbing her bag at baggage claim and walked out of the airport... all this was happening while 'she will be loved' by maroon 5 was playing... she looked pretty sad walking out of that airport but was all of a sudden replaced by a very wide smile...

stephen was sitting on the back of his pickup truck waiting outside the airport for lauren... aaaawww...

it was not only a sweet moment but also several other things that depend on one's interpretations...

i love the fact that stephen was there to give lauren something to smile about after leaving her parents and finding herself in a new and strange place... i love the fact that stephen is sticking with lauren even if it irks his girlfriend... i love the promise of friendship behind it all...

the world needs a lot more stephens...

mother knows best

2005-09-10T01:13:00.000+08:00

in the last couple of weeks, i've learned to fully accept that quote... mother does know best... maybe even a little too much...

she's accepted me being a smoker... though she doesn't really have a right to lecture me on that since she smokes too... she knows that the fastest way to my heart is thru my friends... she asked me if my barkada would want to celebrate my birthday instead of asking me if i wanted to celebrate it... she gives the best advice, not only to me but to my friends as well... and she has psychic powers!!! haha!!!

let me explain that last part...

i'm having a battle in my head about a certain someone... (i know he'll end up reading this... if not, one of his friends would and would tell him anyway...)

i asked my barkada for some advice on what to do just last night... and then as i opened my emails earlier, there was a forwarded message from my mom with the subject 'the difference between a friend and a bestfriend'...

just the topic i needed... really fits the bill...

here's where her psychic powers come in... my mom's in manila... i'm in lb... we don't really send each other emails or messages unless there's something we need from our respective areas... with that in mind, i don't know how my mom got it in her head to send that particular email... perfect timing...

i now know the hype that my friends have about wanting my mom as their own...

but people like that only come once in a lifetime... one of a kind... so...

nyehe!!! she's mine... beh...

but i'm more than willing to share... hehe...

it's always an adventure to ride in mark's car

2005-09-05T01:18:00.000+08:00

we were coming from camille's debut and were on the way to take rupert home... it was me, issa, rhett and rupert in the backseat with inna in the front passenger seat and mark driving... mark took 2 wrong turns thus taking the long way to rupert's place...

the road was quite wet and slippery due to hard rainfall earlier in the evening... at the stoplight, mark braked early but still continued to slip on the road... mark exclaimed something... next thing we knew, or felt, we hit the back of a cab...

everyone's fine though... no one physically got hurt... i don't know about mark's ego though... haha! mark and the cab driver talked it out... mark saying this, the cab driver saying that... honestly, i think it was a bit of both the faults of mark and the driver then add the road conditions... quite dangerous...

mark could have braked harder... the driver could have not stopped at the corner when it wasn't a red light yet... and again, the roads were wet...

mark's car took the blunt of the damage... kinda supports that it wasn't totally his fault... his hood rose up and cracked a bit... all the damage that can be seen on the cab was that it's paint chipped away...

my mom said that the cab driver just wanted to rip us off for wanting the police there and blaming mark... seeing as he was driving an accord and he was dressed up from the party... he could have easily thought of us as rich kids... hmph... the nerve of people these days...

anyways... enough of that... everyone's fine... like i said, no one got hurt... everyone's safe and sound in their homes...

no more drama

2005-09-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

oh how i wish...

someone commented on how there's always some drama going on in my life that i write on this blog which makes it angsty... oddly enough, i never really took notice until he did...

it's not that i'm all about the angst thus i just got used to it but rather, it's how i find best to express myself... and it's not that i ask for there to be drama in my life... for the most part, i like the calm in my life that comes once in a blue moon...

the drama finds me... i don't run away from it coz i know it's gonna end up getting to me anyway... better just face it head on and then heal from whatever wounds it may cause...

i think that may be the reason i never noticed how angsty i get... too much has gone on in my life one too many times... i got used to it... sometimes i find myself half-expecting bad things to happen... perennial pessimism develops and angst comes in to help deal with it...

bad way of dealing but it's what's made me into me... i'm normally a happy person... i'd like to write more happy moments... just not so much of those going on in my life though... but once i get one, don't worry... this blog would be where you'll read it first...

wolf in sheep's clothing

2005-08-21T02:15:00.000+08:00

after a couple of years, she's still at it... even when placed in a different environment with thousands of new people to meet, she's still at it... oh well... as they say, 'the more things change, the more they stay the same'...

but she forgot one thing... people from her past are still around... people that know what she's really like and those that know the truth... and again, as they say, 'the past can come back to haunt you'... and in her case, it has...

gossip goes around, stories go around... but when it involves whole lies and half truths, it's bound to head to someone that's said to be involved... in this case, me...

a lot of lies have been told about my barkada by one of my batchmates here in uplb... a lot of lies have been told about that certain batchmate's life even... things that i can't take...

naturally, i told my friends that were involved in her twisted story... they reacted quite badly... one even emailing here a good 10 or so lines that were straight up telling her off... when she reacted to that saying that she had no idea what he was talking about and not resort to calling her names without knowing the whole story... another friend reacted implicating me and saying that i was a reliable source and found out from her own blockmates about the sordid stories...

so when she finally texted me and wanted to talk, i was pretty much expecting her to deny everything and try to suck up and even ask me which blockmates of hers i talked to... i didn't get to talk to her face to face for i had a midterm exam within an hour of her text...

so she opted to ask via text... she said she wanted to talk to me cause she wanted to clear things up... i told her the whole story... from her belittling a friend's choice of schools, to her talking trash about another friend that got kicked out, to her supposedly getting courted by another one of my friends... heck! she even said she graduated from saint paul... get real!!!

i got pretty emotional during that whole texting time... i mean, come on!!! they were my best friends!!! i would kill for them before i think of killing them...

denial was the name of her game... every issue i brought up, she full on denied... i trusted her blockmates more than i did her... and hey, she does have a past of doing these type of things... she proceeded on begging me to cool it and not be mad at her... let me ask you, if some shit went around about one of your friends, wouldn't you be defensive and emotional about it, even to the point of rage?

she asked which blockmates of hers told me... as she said, to clear whatever misconceptions they had... what misconceptions?!? they're all true!!! anyways... i didn't tell her who because i was trusted to never tell... and they had nothing to do with it anyways... why bring people in that have nothing to do with it?

i was getting pretty fed up pretty fast... so i told her that my exam is coming up and that she's wasting my study time...

she finally figured out that i wan't gonna budge... told me in her 'last' message that she hopes we get things cleared up and still continues on to say that she did nothing...

and here's where she takes the cake... a couple minutes after that message i got another one... saying: 'si mocha, kung kilala mo man yun, sabi nya galit daw yung blockmates natin sakin. di naman pala totoo'... smart move...

it was pretty funny in my mind... i mean, she goes to say that she didn't spread any stories yet there it is right in front of my face... why would you want to tell a big group that? to get someone to back you up? when you're having a fight of some sort, that fight is between those that are involved and no one else... and have you heard of something called self-preservation? no one is going to admit that they're irritated/mad/pissed at you... that way, they can just ignore you ever exist...

here's the thing... i don't care if you spread any nasty thing about me... i know who i am and i am secure in that... i am also secure in my friends and know that they would not believe whatever you say... i know the truth and am already satisfied by that... i don't care if you're mad at me... being mad at you is just a waste of energy... i have come to think that you just don't exist to me...

however... if i hear you talking trash about my friends again, i will not just sit back and think that i'm stuck in my pretty little world... i'll make your life hell and make you pay for whatever it is you say... you want the story that would imprint your name in everyone's mind? i'll give them one... the truth in who you reall are: a public elementary school graduate that stole a cellphone from her classmate in 1st year... the girl that said she would be in an august issue of a magazine only to have a frog's picture found there... the girl that thinks she has it all, at least in her own perfect world... well, nothing's perfect miss... your world was built to come crashing down... hard... and i'll have a frontrow seat watching you get crushed by it...

value of a good cry

2005-08-17T20:17:00.000+08:00

i cried myself to sleep last night... and it's not the type of crying where tears just silently fall down your face but the type of body shaking, heart wrenching sobs...

steven's leaving later on... 11:30 pm manila time... he's gonna be gone for around a year before coming back... some would think that my crying would seem over the top... but i don't... and those that matter don't...

before people get confused... steven is not my boyfriend... he's just a friend... a really great friend...

so why cry over the guy when i know he's gonna be back? because i would just really miss the guy... i've had wonderful conversations with the guy that i know would become limited once he gets to the other side of the pacific... i just recently got close to him considering we've been friends for nearly over 5 years...

and i didn't get to see him just right before he left...

last i saw him was the on 13th... but it wasn't a proper "goodbye" per se... more of a get home safely...

last hug i gave him was on the 13th... i'll remember that hug because it's gonna be a while before i get to hug him again...

last person i cried over was jolleen when she left... i was crying over the phone when i called her to say "goodbye"...

i'm not ashamed of admitting that i cried when they left... i am human after all... a good part of my life would be living halfway around the world now...

but i won't say goodbye... goodbye seems so final... so i'll just be left to my tears... waiting til i see them again...

13 never seemed more appealing

2005-08-14T20:53:00.000+08:00

i went home to manila last saturday to have an early celebration of my birthday with my barkada... coincidentally, it was inna's birthday as well... the reason i celebrated early was because steven was leaving for pennsylvania on the 17th... i wanted to be able to spend time with the guy before he leaves...

it was a pretty eventful weekend... lots of funny moments to share, lots of sweet moments one could only wish to capture... from having little to no plans, to getting lost, to getting paolo to sing with lots of passion... august 13th is a day i may never forget...

to my barkada... i chose not to write much details on that day because i want it preserved in our minds and hearts alone and no one else's... thanks for spending the day with me...

thru thick and thin

2005-08-07T21:52:00.000+08:00

you learn a lot of things in the most unconventional ways... i've learned that from my barkada over the last few days...

there's a certain biyatch, who's name i'd kill myself before i dare mention, that has been spreading some hefty lies about some of my friends... i was offended and felt the need to tell them and express some thoughts about it... they pretty much felt the same, i.e., wanting to kill her 10,000 times over by running her down with a monster truck with steel-spiked wheels... yes, we're pretty brutal... but it's at the price of defending one of our own...

it's in hearing these stories that i learn how good friends they are... that no matter how long you get to not talk, once you need them, they'll be there... no questions asked...

good friends are friends you can call at 2am and tell them you killed someone... but true friends are those that show up at your house with a shovel, no questions asked... ;)

mi reedificacion de vida

2005-08-05T01:17:00.000+08:00

la semana pasada ha sido un sumamente emocional uno para mi. dos de mis mejores cumpleanos de amigos estaran ocurriendo este fin de semana. sin embargo, yo no lo estare haciendo en casa para su celebracion.

por que?

porque he decidido que he hecho la manera demasiado ya.

hablo con frecuencia con otro amigo mio. uno que no se implica en nuestro triangulo de la amistad no igual. yo generalmente lo ayudo trata con sus problemas de chica. con el consejo que yo lo doy, una epifania me golpeo. la manera no igual que el era tratado por la chica, para tener que ser el uno dar todo mientras ella no da nada, sea la misma situación que tenemos en nuestra amistad.

durante anos, yo he sido el uno dar todo mas no obtiene nada en el regreso. no es que quiero ser dado nada, pero sirve por lo menos como un signo de la gratitud y la apreciacion. maldigo piensa bien que merezco tanto mas de un amigo. no es material, mas emocional, instruido que obtengo una satisfaccion en yo mismo porque ellos muestran ellos cuidan.

yo no digo que yo los odio. digo que yo me resiento lo que ellos han hecho para hacer la amistad es lo que es, absolutamente nada, y que yo me resiento para es un martir.

cuantas veces tengo que obtener yo enroscado sobre antes yo finalmente decido soltar? ellos utilizan y me abusan, mas permanezco todavia por su lado. el jamas-leal amigo.

usted sabe que? se olvida lo que dije acerca de mejores amigos. eso es una mentira grande que jode. una mentira que yo solo ahora reconoci como una mentira.

nuestra amistad entera era una mentira.

uno la clase de persona que hace promete que el nunca mantiene. la otra una persona que nunca hace realmente un esfuerzo. de cualquier manera, ambos me fallaron en la amistad.

yo le odio ambos para hacerme la ramera amarga que soy en este momento!!!

*if you're not one of the 2 people that serve as the topic of this entry, i'll gladly tell you what it's about. if you are one of them, i'd be more happy if you go straight to hell!*

**rai, i'm bitter and i can't call coz i'm out of money.**

steven was right though... don't have any expectations, you'll only get disappointed...

saturday... wasting away...

2005-08-01T19:30:00.000+08:00

pardon the sappyness of the last entry... back to my being wasted and confused...

my sleeping pattern has gone haywire... i mean, it's already screwed up... i don't have a constant pattern... i just sleep whenever and wake up when needed/woken up/whenever i've reached 12 hours... now, i just sleep...

i lost valuable tv and net time coz i slept thru saturday... not the normal 'i slept til saturday afternoon'... i slept til saturday night...

i slept at around 5:30 am... given the 12 hour thing with my sleep, i should have woken up 5:30pm saturday afternoon... but nooo... i woke up, rather, just opened my eyes at 10:59pm saturday night... after the half-second shock at seeing the time, i thought, 'what's the use if i got up now?' so i just slept again... woke up 4:40am sunday...

yes...

i wasted a perfectly nice saturday...

tgsh...

hopefully halfway

2005-07-31T09:54:00.000+08:00

this marks the beginning of my 3 hellweeks...

first week features a physics test and my 2nd math long test... if you remember, math kinda sucks it for me... 2nd week, a supposed botany test featuring many scientific names and other learnings that don't necessarily stick in my head as well as starting the physics project... sure its a class project, but my class is full of disrespectful jerks that don't have a clue... 3rd week would be my math midterm... pray for me... the teacher really sucks... i really need to fix myself for these 3 weeks... i need no distractions unless it's a break for my tired eyes and mind...

***

in other news... ick...

i got a message asking if i was around the manila area and wanted to catch a gig of some band... it was kinda nice to know that you're wanted and missed... but since my mind has been kinda screwed up for some time, wanted and missed were the last things i felt...

why is it that it always has to be that has to drop whatever it is i have going on, get on a bus and go wherever people want me to be? for once, why can't everyone else do that for me?

it's not even the money... heck! i spend more than anyone probably would... with the travel expense being around php200 to and fro and then money for food or a movie or whatever it is we're doing...

it's not so much to ask...

i might not head home to manila within the next 3 weeks... i'm not even gonna go home in time for 2 of my best friends' birthdays...

and since it's the eve of august... really, my only birthday wish is to be met halfway... your turn now...

2 points and a troubled past

2005-07-20T22:59:00.000+08:00

math teachers suck... math tests suck... math sucks period...

i have the worst possible math teacher this sem... she's #1 on the triple a list... for those outside of lb, the triple a list for math are the teachers that you need to avoid... my teacher this sem, ma'am arquisa, tops the list with sir artificio and ma'am aspera not having that much rank really...

ma'am arquisa, or kruchie, as she's called by many, is a good teacher... very interactive with the students and lively with her method of teaching... the type of teacher that students like because she makes studying seem ok... but if you really look at the board, the examples she gives, the homework she assigns, the quizzes we take and the exam... erm... i never scratched my head so much in my life...

she gives some of the hardest items ever and she's strict with points as well as directions... the 1st quiz we had was a proving quiz... the way she taught it, many statements were used... the way we were graded, we had to use the same statements that she used... word for word!!! mind you, they were very long... the 1-item quiz worth 25 points took up the whole front page of the yellow paper...

our 1st long exam was worth 60 points... multiple choice, 6 choices, 15 items... yep... each item was worth 4 points... and... should you decide to change an answer, you need a proper justification as to why you changed it...

based on the items alone, i should've scored an exact 36 points... i should've passed... but one measly mistake at wording and i get a -2... so i officially have 34 points... below passing... grrreeeaaat!

after one exam and several quizzes, i stand at 37.5%...

i'm frustrated...

adding more to my frustrations is my past biting me in the ass...

i changed my number before... i used to be a smart subscriber, now i'm a globe subscriber... reason? my dad found out my number...

now, some very invasive people have butted in my family's business and gave my number away... given that it wasn't really my dad that texted me but rather one of my cousins, it's still frustrating that people really lack respect to everyone that is really involved in the story... they hear one freakin' side and they immediately fall for it... what about my side?!? given that, yes, it's been a long time since i had visited my dad... but hello?!? i have reasons...

i've said it before... the one thing i cherish most in my life is my mom... hurt my mom and i'll kill you the second a tear falls from her face... i don't care if i get capital punishment for it... i'll maim you and nothing will stop me...

the only reason i even cared to text back was because it was out of respect for the rest of my family... i have little to no respect for my dad... but i do still care for my cousins and my aunts and uncles and my grandmother... but dad? i could care less...

it sounds mean i know... but if you knew what happened, you'd understand...

overload

2005-07-18T02:40:00.000+08:00

once again, a post detailing my weekend... pardon for whatever length and detail it might end up being... i'm writing this as i remembered my nights with my gang...

july 15 - 16, 2005
i was pretty exhausted before the trip to manila... i only got about 3 hours of sleep due to my fucked up body clock that wouldn't let me sleep, my mind got wired trying to understand math and i didn't get to eat lunch before stepping onto the bus... i left lb at around 1:30... got to updil at around 4... made a detour to shang to meet up with my mom, get money and eat a bit...

i met up with sheena in updil so we could go toghether to wherever people decided to meet up at before heading to pier one in morato for steven's dinner treat...

sheena and i ended up hanging out by the kasaa steps with 'underground' because we found iza, carlost, danna, pascua, derrick, bren, jm, rene, jc carpio, matel, joanna, sheryl, giselle & gerard sitting around or walking past... i also ran into karl while i was there... karl looked thinner...

i texted rupert to find out what time and where we were meeting... he replied and said, 6:30pm at mcdo so sheena and i decided to leave updil by 6... rai met up with us just to catch up and say hi coz by then, we were about to leave... he walked us to the terminal and we parted ways...

sheena and i got to mcdo to find rupert, anna, ejohn, jeric & cecilia there... i haven't seen jeric since december... anna i didn't get to see for about a year... last i saw her was another of cecilia's birthday celebrations... anna had prior plans for that night and only stopped by to see us...

couple of minutes later, ashley arrived... then inna and steven... inna was set to go to a dinner held by her business so she was wearing a semi-formal dress... she looked like a prom queen... hehe...

last to arrive was issa who came from glee club practice... then we were off to pier one...

ashley had a car with her so the girls got to ride free while the guys got a cab... as we were on our way, cecilia mentioned how we were on the way to her house... someone suggested that we go by coz she also mentioned how she forgot to pack some shorts for the night... she agreed coz we all figured that it would be better if the guys reached pier one before us coz steven's dad was supposed to meet us there...

we got her shorts, went back on our way to pier one, arrived at pier one, only to find that we still beat the guys... about 10 minutes passed before they arrived complaining on how the driver drove around taking a long way...

we sat down for our dinner... while we were waitng, myriel arrived... only person that we were waiting for then was mark... our dinner beat him to the table though... if mark hadn't arrived when he had, he wouldn't have gotten to eat dinner coz the last plate of sisig was the only thing untouched... haha!!!

after dinner, we went to musicmatch for videoke... inna and paolo arrived for that... but sheena, paolo and myriel had to leave before the end of the night... we sang mostly senti songs but there were a couple of breaks when we sang some cheesy and weird songs... it was past 1 when we decided to head out...

jeric, cecilia and john rode with mark to head to steven's place... while issa, steven and i rode with ashley to see if her manager would allow her to spend the night with us... she had auditions the next day so she can't stay sleep late...

we ended up in makati... ashley ended up performing in front of karaoke king employees at 2 in the morning... her manager allowed her to stay with us but to make the call time at 10:45am...

we got to steven's house, drank tequilla to about half the bottle while eating peanut butter sandwiches and a can of fruit cocktail... and then headed to his room...

some people decided to sleep while some decided to stay up... the guys played strip poker and john ended up losing... he basically had to flash us in his underwear... ashley and i were the only females awake... but we were good little girls and covered our eyes during his 5-second flashing...

couple of minutes later, i was playing stip bridge with them... i was teamed with rupert coz john didn't wanna team with me... rupert and i ended up winning... haha!!! rupert took steven and john's pics in their undies as a consequnce...

by then, it was around 6 in the morning and the only people awake were steven, rupert, john & me... we had a sort of open-forum that never got rolling coz steven's family woke up and his siblings took an interest in us like we were part of an exhibit... they were always opeing the door...

people ended up waking and i ended up stealing some sleep... breakfast was set when i woke up... ashley left for her call time in the middle of breakfast... cecilia left to pack her stuff for when she leaves some time later... then mark and jeric left to go home a bit before meeting with us at the mall...

i got a couple more minutes of sleep despite the disturbances and only woke up to take a bath... we were off to the mall to meet up with mia, john's gf... had lunch at popeye's and found out that mark wouldn't be able to come... jeric was to meet us at 4...

we decided to watch a movie... we were pretty indecisive... ended up watching herbie using steven's "free" tickets... we still had to pay 50 for it... the movie was fine... worth P50... we were all pretty tired and were half sleeping but got woken up everytime the soundtrack plays... they were exactly our type of songs...

cecilia arrived at the mall before the movie ended so rupert left early to stay with her...

after meeting up with them, we just walked around for a few minutes until jeric arrived... then we just loittered around and then stayed on a weird corner of galleria and waited for dianne...

dianne needed to shop so we went along with her... she ended up not buying anything coz we can't find it plus she felt sorry coz most of us were tired...

we texted myriel to ask if it was still ok for us to head to her place and hang out... she replied saying that her family was going to mass but will be done by 6:30...

we decided to have dinner at kenny's... when myriel arrived, it was clear that we weren't gonna watch a movie anymore... so we decided to head to her place...

myriel's mom offered to treat us to 'the living doll' for about P2k worth of drinks... we were the only people in the bar and we felt like it was reserved just for us... we danced like crazy and drank so much... some more than others...

steven got way past drunk... i ended up stitting on the couch with him and rubbing his back in between him throwing up... myriel acted up but sobered up quickly... inna ws hyper still...

myriel left when her mom arrived to pay... rupert ended up calling his dad to pick him up and drive steven home coz of how he was... issa left with them...

dianne, inna, jeric, cecilia and i waited at mini stop for our rides... or rather, mine and inna's... jeric, cecilia and dianne were taking a cab but stayed with us for company... i got worried for them coz it was nearing midnight already...

our rides came a couple of minutes apart... inna's dad offered to give the other 3 rides home... they accepted and we were off...

got home at around 11:30... slept at around 12... didn't wake up until 4pm the next day...

july 17, 2005

i was supposed to leave early so i could have study time for my exam on monday... but because of the late wake up, i leaft at 6...

i didn't even get to see roman... i texted him when i was on the bus and explained but only got an 'ok' for a reply... hopefully, he's not pissed but rather just had nothing to say... er... bad on both terms...

got home at 8... ate dinner, watched 'vengeance', started on studying then took an internet break and typed this up... (it's july 18 now, actually)...

end of the sotry... pretty long coz of my weird memory... felt like i had to write everything down... don't know why...

sleep will be the end of me

2005-07-14T20:27:00.000+08:00

i have problems sleeping... even though i know i'm tired and even though my body feels it as well, i just can't sleep... i can go for almost 35 hours without sleep... once i do get to sleep, good luck in waking me up...

that's why i have 4 absences in nat sci 8, 3 absences nat sci 3 and 7 absences in math 36... i'm almost to the limit with nat sci 8 and halfway to the limit for math... alarms do no good...

take this day for example...

granted i didn't get much sleep before... i was awake more than 24 hours straight, slept for 3 hours after... woke up for 8 hours... slept again for about 3 hours... woke up for a 1 1/2 hour class that lasted for only 30 minutes... slept again and planned to sleep for 3 hours more before my math class... i didn't wake up again until 4:30pm... grrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat!!!

unfortunately, i missed a math quiz and a meeting for a nat sci 8 requirement... i'm at a loss... the 2nd sem of last year is rearing its ugly head at me...

it sucks!!! i wanna do better but my body is way too fucked up to cooperate...

last resort, drug-induced sleep... only way for me to get the normal amount of hours so i don't drop dead and be able to attend my classes...

new

2005-07-13T01:30:00.000+08:00

i have a new layout... it's not by me obviously... i suck at coding... got it over at blogskins... i still have to work on a couple of things here... some stuff are still screwed up... more coding to learn... yay... hmph...

it's not the layout i would have wanted on here... i would still prefer to have the one that danna made for me... it seems her work is going to waste (sorry, danna)...

unless of course, i figure out where to put some of the required tags for blogger... but as for design and the main layout, danna did a good job on it... it's just the tags... that's what i get for asking a dx'er to help a blogger... or... blogger just isn't code-friendly to others...

whatever...

get to know

2005-07-09T01:07:00.000+08:00

found this via danna's blog... it's a survey and and analysis on myself and some of my views...

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

somewhat true... often times i am straightforward... in other words, i speak without much of a thought thus sometimes thought to be tactless...

about problem solving... i'm better off trying to solve other people's problems than my own... but true, i do like to listen to both sides rather than one...

i'll leave it to you to ponder on the down-to-earth part...

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

yes, yes... ask people from my past... haha!!! but yep... i am a hopeless romantic... can be a weakness coz i tend to throw it all in...

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.

after heartbreak and pain, who wouldn't want to commit once you find 'the one'?

The seriousness of your love:You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

er... me? flirt and behave seductively?!?! i'm treated as one of the guys here in lb... what the fff???

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

yes, it's true... education is very important no matter how many times i've complained... i kinda need it to succeed...

The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

right now, i'm at the point in my life when i want to do everything i get interested in... but i've chosen to shift to the path that i often find myself doing... if only i get a high enough grade to shift... hmm... and true, i do have excess energy...

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

i've gone past this... everyone's afraid to jump into something but i'm willing to take a chance...

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

if i were too worried about the physical, i'll be a very shallow person... true, i do find some things unappealing with my physical being, namely my weight, but it's more of the personality that people see i'm worried about...

i'm concerned that the image i have of myself in my head does not come off the same to other people...

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

ask the friends i have if this is true... if you ask rai or sheena, it might be... ;)

of the phoenix and butterflies

2005-07-04T00:10:00.000+08:00

i went to manila over the weekend mainly to attend the debut of my friend danna as one of her 18 candles... other parts of the trip home was to visit some friends over at updil and have lunch with the gang...

sadly, only 2/3 of that plan went thru... i wasn't able to read my email on friday, thus not knowing the plans for saturday's lunch with the gang... no one texted me the plans either, so yeah...

but other than that, the weekend was pretty eventful and enjoyable... here's a short rundown...

friday, july 1
i went to updil to meet up with some friends... i saw inna immediately and met a friend of hers... couple of minutes later, sheena arrived and we went to kasaa to buy some drinks to help fight off the heat... on the way there, we met up with rene...

after getting the drinks, we went to the parking lot coz we had no other place to stay but beside inna's van... while waiting there, i found out that rene started smoking... (he looks weird when he's taking a puff) anyways, couple of minutes later, cick, rene's girlfriend arrives... then sheena disappears... while sheena was gone, rai came and was finally able to meet inna... (there you go aliya! haha!) after some chitchat, we finally spotted sheena with roel... he ended up joining us for a couple of minutes... inna made a comment about it being 'bring a friend day'... we each had some people to introduce to one another...

sheena and roel left to head home some 5 minutes later... cick went to the upsc... and inna, jomar (inna's friend), rene, rai and i headed to katipunan... jomar was headed home, inna was headed to ortigas for her business and rene, rai & i were headed to meet with another friend...

when we got to katipunan, we found out that the friend we were supposed to meet with went to eastwood but would most likely be coming back... so we waited... we got hungry, so we ate, duh! we ate at tia maria's cantina... pretty expensive but well worth it... rene didn't bring enough cash so rai offered to treat him... take note, 'treat' not 'loan'... and another note, they just met that day... (rene!!! i hope your user-tendencies have long disappeared... haha! joke!) rene was surprised but we explained that we were like that back in lb... (yes... no matter how much we look like addicts, we're really very nice...) jobo, the friend we were supposed to meet, came back in the middle of dinner... shared my dinner with the poor hungry fellow... (in other words, didn't get to finish my dinner... haha!!! this is me we're talking about...)

we just hung out after we ate dinner, smoked a couple of cigs and that was it... we went home and poof!

on to saturday!!!

saturday, july 2
the day of danna's debut... i woke up late (once again, this is me... i usually wake up well into the afternoon save for class days...) i was finally able to see the dress i was set to wear... my mom bought it... mom told me that her officemates found the dress beautiful but found the fact that it was my mom that bought the dress without me weird... my mom understands me so much more than i understand myself... she picked a great dress... it was black but didn't add a more thinning effect to my already lanky frame because of the cut... (yes, i still looked thin, but it's the everyday thinness of myself and not due to the dress)

my mom doesn't do any hairstyles so she brought me to a salon... i ended up getting an up-do that looks like a 5-petal flower and feels like a rock... (damn gel and spraynet!!!) but it looked great... mom did my makeup... i'm not a very girly-girl...

anyways... the venue for the party was gazebo royale... it was an outdoor venue that had a great ambience... the decorations for the party was stunning... danna's theme was that of the phoenix and i found it ironic that the hall the party was set at was called 'phoenix avenue'... there were feathers on the lamps and butterfly stickers of the chandelier as well as capiz butterfly lamps over the main table... it looked like a scene from a fairy tale...

what even made it look like a fairy tale was danna's 3 dresses... she had an entry in her blog asking what our fave of the 3 was... we ended up liking the same... her 2nd dress, was a soft gold off-shoulder dress that hung in layers... she looked sooooooooooooo pretty!!!

throughout the whole ceremony, i was eyeing the cake... it was caramel-colored but i had this gut-feeling that it was flavored mocha... knowing danna, i knew i was right before it even came time to cut and eat the cake... i was right!!! the cake was delicious as well as the food that was served...

after the 18 treasures, 18 roses and 18 candles, there was set to be a video presentation on danna's 18 years... but due to technical problems, the video couldn't be worked out in time with the emcee's announcement... so, i ended up doing an impromptu performance of 'time after time' with iza... (danna!!! i speak for iza when i say that we mean the song with all our hearts and souls!!! love you!!!)

after the video was finally shown, danna gave a speech thanking the guests... in that speech, in true danna fashion, she argued some points... haha!!! if you weren't there to catch the speech, you wouldn't get it... heck!!! danna says, the emcee didn't get it...

after the formal ceremony, we just hung out while waiting for our rides... pictures were taken and hugs went all around... funny part was when we did some sort of bouquet toss... a short icing war went on after that...

all in all... the party was one of the best and most enjoyable things i was part of... seeing a friend of mine in all her glory was a great and memorable thing...

later that night & well into sunday, july 3
when mom and dante picked me up from gazebo royale, they immediately asked if i wanted to go home already... i was still pretty high on energy from the party and said no... she said we were heading to tito rey's (her old officemate) bar and meet with her current officemate alphonse...

we drank, we sang, we talked... pretty much enjoyed the night...

it was after 3 when we left and after 4 when i got to sleep...

i woke up a couple of times to answer texts and finally got out of bed around 2... ate lunch, took a bath and went to my grandmother's house... she bought me a couple of shirts... then i went home... around 4, i texted roman who happened to move just 1 street away from me...

we caught up with each other and just talked...

around 6, we parted ways for i was to go back to lb...

i got here in lb around 9 and now i just finished typing my blog entry...

desperation in heat finally ends

2005-06-23T14:07:00.000+08:00

after one week of running back and forth several buildings in hopes to get accepted as a prerog student, i am finally enrolled... mind you, it's the last day for registration... yep... i just beat the so-called clock...

i only have 3 classes... stupid me... my fault why... don't ask...

hopefully, those 3 classes would do myself good... sad part... i got arquisa for math... 1/3 of the AAA of math... but among those 3 teachers, she proves to be the most unforgiving... yikes...

pray for me...

and pray for the rain to come...

doubt nevermore

2005-06-07T20:27:00.000+08:00

no, i didn't die or fall from the face of the earth... the blog just lacked updates coz i was taken by aliens to a place far far away where i cannot access the internet... thus, no blog...

anyways... pardon the random quirk as seen above... on to serious matters...

i've told my problem to those that dared to listen... and it's been received well... what i put myself so down for actually now seems to be laughable matter in my head... my troubles with my barkada now seem to be a silly delusion...

the day i told them what happened, my friendster horoscope actually said 'you can now trust the promises made to you' or something to that effect... seems it was right...

i got to chat with them last night... almost seems like nothing has happened... teasing seemed like second nature... advices were thrown left and right... it almost felt like we were actually in some coffee shop or bar somewhere and catching up with each other while having a couple of drinks and smokes...

it felt nice... comfortable... lord knows i haven't felt that with anyone for a long time...

especially with a certain someone... but it seems he's one of the reasons i've become comfortable again...

when he asked, he didn't push... he just let me take my time... which is what i really needed... my own time with no pressures involved to figure things out... i was reassured, that no matter what, he'll be there... and he was...

the night i told everyone, he responded to me first... even if he's a whole ocean away right now, it felt like he was a present shoulder to cry on...

anyways...

i've learned to trust again... i've been burned yes... but it's nothing compared to knowing you don't have to doubt anyone anymore...

starting over

2005-05-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

i can now officially say that one of the biggest problems i have encountered is over... there is no absolute guarantee that it's never gonna happen again... but since i've gone thru hell for it, i'll make sure with every fiber in my body that i will not go thru it again...

i feel so relieved right now... free even... all because of the support i got...

for the past few months, i've felt a distance growing with my friends from high school... it was like the 5, almost 6, years never happened... but with just a one-worded email, i got a tremendous amount of support from them...

they never really knew what happened with me... up to now, only 4 people from that group know the whole truth... yet, the support they gave was never limited... they didn't have to know everything... knowing i needed help was enough for them to rally together and pull for me...

it's been a few days since i got back from manila and met with some of those friends... it was when i told 2 people about my situation... as huge as i thought the problem was, the understanding and empathy i got from them was even bigger...

it didn't matter that i kept things from them... it didn't matter that distance, both physical and emotional, kept us very much apart... nothing mattered but that moment...

i needed that... now i think i have enough strength and courage to tell every single one of them what happened...

moral of the story: never doubt your friends...

liar

2005-05-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

when you tell some things to a person in complete confidence, even going as far as making them promise to keep the conversation between yourselves, you'd expect that person to hold true to that promise, right?

trust is an incredible thing to come by... once a person's trust is broken, it's a hell of a ride before you earn it again... my trust has been broken so many times before and so few of those that did me wrong have earned it again...

if you're a person that just regained someone's trust in you, wouldn't you hold that trust dear to your heart and never attempt to break it again?

to the reason i'm writing this right now:

i've instilled a tremendous amount of trust in you, that even just a promise of words was enough to tame my fears... you've done me wrong again...

you promised to keep what i told you to yourself yet someone found out... those problems are mine alone... i was willing to carry the burden for as long as i haven't found a way to solve them until you made that promise so that you could find a way to help me...

a broken promise starts a whole chain of things... in my own way, i found out about your lie... now, the one person you've told has told another group of people... who's to say that those people will keep their mouths shut?

my life was not made to be an exhibit for other people to view and scrutinize...

if only you kept your mouth shut then maybe i won't be having another problem right now...

you wound me...

for every time i've found my strength to stand tall again, you find a way to tear me back down...

i trusted you and you lied to me... how could you?!

someone wise once told me that promises were made to be broken... i've realized that now because of you...

i don't think i can ever trust you again... maybe i was a fool in trusting you to begin with... you say i'm one of the most important people in your life... but when it comes down to it, if you make a list of those people, i'd be dead last...

why did i have to learn the hard way and get hurt again? why is it that pain is the only thing i feel with you now? you used to represent happiness for me... now all you do is make me loathe my life...

next time you plan on telling someone another person's secret, i'd watch my back... that's my only piece of advise for you... people have their ways of finding out, just like i found out... i made it easy for you by not saying who you are at all, that's testament to how much you mean to me... that even if i got hurt, you're well-being is still on my mind...

but i will never make the mistake of trusting you agian, that's for sure... i found out the hard way and got hurt the worst way possible... of all the people, it just had to be you...

i've learned...

you are nothing but a liar!!!

reconstruction

2005-05-05T22:22:00.000+08:00

pardon the lack of updates to the blog...

i'm currently still working on the layout that danna made for me... i can't quite figure out how to make archiving, commenting and the dates on the blog... can't seem to make a quick-post as well...

so for people working with divs on their blog that is hosted by blogger... please help... just leave a comment or something...

well that's for the blog... and then comes my life...

i'm contemplating on switching courses right now... something that has absolutely nothing on science... if it does have science, let's keep it to the minimum, 'kay?

i've come to realize that i'm in my current course of chemical engineering because i've been suckered into thinking that i liked it from the moment i wrote it down on my application form... after a year in college i realized that i only wrote it down because of contracts and false beliefs... when you've been trained for years to work with only a certain thing, would you go for what's familiar or what would be more of a challenge?

familiar right?

case in point, me...

for 4 years, science has become familiar to me and i've leaned towards that for college... but over the 2nd semester i've lost interest in it and failed some of my majors...

so rather than waste more money on labs and subjects that i'm otherwise gonna fail, i've decided to leave chem eng and turn my brain elsewhere...

once it's final, i'll let you know...

square one

2005-04-29T23:13:00.000+08:00

2 weeks later and i'm back to square one...

if it's any more possible, my problem just got worse...

at this rate, i might as well start planning my funeral...

change of pace

2005-04-22T00:50:00.000+08:00

one possible thing that could get me out of my funk happened 8 am of april 21, 2005... in an effort to make everything 'right' or at least, head towards the right direction, i gave up sleep and slaved away...

hopefully, the lack of sleep and the slaving does some good... i'll find out officially next week...

but according to one of my friends, my aura has changed...

he was there when i found out about it... he got so worried that he even started blaming himself and some of my other friends for it... i assured them it was no one's fault but mine...

but he said, i looked better today... that i seem more relaxed and that it could be a sign that i did ok...

let's just hope...

fucked up

2005-04-17T02:44:00.000+08:00

that's what i am right now... fucked up...

that's all you really need to know...

enough people know what's wrong with me... too many actually... i needed just 1 to know the problem... another 1 or 2 to talk me through it... and i got that... but i got needy... as the song goes, kulang lang sa pansin...

i texted a group on my cell... i thought, them being the people i thought they were, they would at least express some sympathy... but fuck no...

of 16 people, only 3 replied... one that just joked with me, one that just expressed shock and one that acted selfish and was just worried about something that may not go according to that person's plan due to my problem...

so shoot me... i just wanted to know they would be there...

guess not...

where did all the promises of years past go?

oh that's right...

they were from the past... they stay there...

fuck them all...

me dunwanna think anymore

2005-04-14T00:49:00.000+08:00

er... i wanna stop thinking... at least about blogging...

heaven knows i'm getting nowhere with the coding... no matter how i try, something always ends up wrong... even with all the help i'm getting, it still sucks...

i could just tolerate the drabness of this layout... but i'm not like that... i chose this layout coz it's "dark"... it's just not dark enough for me...

danna's layout was dark... real dark... and i like it... no... i love it!!!

but alas... i just had to suck at coding...

so now i can't figure out how to fix the archiving, comments and heck, even posting...

if all else fails...

chaotic masterpiece will close down and i am not to venture into a new blog...

over and done for...

major screw up

2005-04-08T02:09:00.000+08:00

if you're wondering why all of a sudden, the font got bigger since your last visit and why my avatar disappeared and why the lyrics to "you and me" vanished as well... i'm a major screw up, that's why...

i was so excited at getting that new layout from danna that after a couple adjustments, i put it up and thought that if there are still changes to be made, i'd work at it from the web... but noooo...

lots of changes still need to be made... and the current script of this template isn't working with the new layout... so yeah... for a couple of panicked moments, i thought i lost my blog... but after calming down a bit, i figured, just change it back by picking this template...

after clicking on it, it basically erased everything and put me back to square one...

at least i was able to salvage my taggie and counter... huhu...

i suck at coding...

t'sover

2005-04-02T22:10:00.000+08:00

2nd semester finals week is over and done for... let's hope i passed my tests...

i'm pretty happy that i didn't have to take finals for history... it's scheduled for monday... but whether i take it or not, i can't leave lb just yet...

i have a final group report due for lts2 on monday... and it has to be a 'creative' one... we planned on making a sort of scrapbook... hell... hopefully we finish early so i can go home and be able to attend hans' despidida or issa's surprise late birthday party... whichever one it really is...

but then a no more than 2 weeks later i have to come back to lb for summer enrolment and then summer classes... basically... my summer's getting cut to about a month... 2 weeks before summer sem and 2 weeks after...

grrrrrreat...

so help me god

2005-03-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

finals week amf...

i need divine intervention to get me through the week...

sure sure, i only have 2 finals... one tomorrow, err, later on... and the other on friday... and oh! almost forgot, i also have a microbio practical... and i have to finish a group requirement for lts2 (extra amf)... and i still have to go to my history teacher tomorrow to find out if i'm gonna have to take a history final...

it would have to suck if i do... the history final is scheduled for april 4... err...

i was also supposed to have 2 finals tomorrow... chem17 and math36... i'm not taking the math36 final... i'm excempted... in a bad way...

MATH72 HERE I COME!!!

argh!!!

but i still need divine intervention...

the chem17 test is cover-to-cover of the lab manual... there's a lot of topics (-_-')

and if you're asking why i just shut up now and get back to studying... my eyes need a break from the black & white pages of my manual... so i pick to stare at the purple, green, black and gray of my blog...

heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp...

sleep all day

2005-03-25T01:13:00.000+08:00

i'd stick a counting crows & vanessa carlton song here but i'm too tired/lazy to do it... it's kinda ironic the fact that if you get the most amount of sleep you could get, you'd end up being too lazy or "tired" to get up and out of bed...

i haven't been getting enough sleep lately with hell week that just past and the finals week that is fast approaching... monday night, i didn't even get to have a solid 3 hours of sleep due to 2 tests i had for tuesday... i had microbio1 in the morning and physics3 at night...

microbio sucked... hard test... i swear, my teacher is a sadist...

anyways, since the physics exam wasn't until 5pm, i got some sleep during my breaks... i slept for about 2 hours... so that's approximately 5 hours total...

physics was also hard... multiple choice but hard still...

after my exams, it was the night of larissa's (a batchmate) overnight resort treat... an early celebration of her birthday... obviously, i'm not gonna get enough sleep either...

it was fun while the night lasted for me... joan and omar had an ongoing battle for the queen/king of the videoke machine... joan won... i liked larissa's dad... he offered san mig lights... i told myself (and wini) that i was just gonna have one since i don't like the taste of beer... heck... i even had a "chaser" of some sorts (a sprite, mind you) to wash out the taste on my tongue after taking a swig... after that one beer, larissa took the bottle away... 5 minutes later, larissa's dad put another bottle in front of me... mp... and after that one was gone, he offered me another one... mmmmppp... haha! kyut...

swimming time... i didn't swim... coz i was sick... huhu... i'm always sick... hmm... what if i have some sort of illness that i don't know about and i could die at any moment? *shudder* i hope not... this happens again and i'm heading to the doctor's office...

anyways... i heard the kids at the pool talk about not sleeping... and since erin and larissa know of my sleeping habits, they were fine when i said i'm out of that...

i ended up sleeping around 2am... that makes it, early wednesday...

i woke up again at 9am when everyone decided to head home... i got home around 10... watched tv, ate lunch, watch more tv and sometime then fell asleep... i didn't wake up again until 10...

not pm... 10 am!!! when i woke up and checked my cellphone for the time, i thought it was 10pm... then i looked by the window and saw the sun shining brightly outside... it was midday thursday...

hmm... i believe it was around 12-1230 when i fell asleep... i slept for nearly 24 freakin' hours!!!

and if you're wondering why i only wrote (blogged?) this now... i was too lazy...

versions of hell

2005-03-22T00:35:00.000+08:00

finals week is just after the holy week... which means, the 1st 2 days of the week is when teachers cram the very last requirements of the 2nd sem...

i just got my pre-final results for math36... surprise surprise... i failed... i have a feeling i'll be excempted from the finals, not because i passed but because even if i get a perfect score, i still won't be able to cut it for a 4...

when i get to the "frat house" (my barkada's place), everyone was complaining about tests and grades and whatnot... we got to talking about how hell would look like for them...

rai said that his hell would be filled with nothing but science and everyone would look like manolo...

i won't be a hypocrite... i laughed... but not as heartily... my whole batch knows what he's been through... i'm not that mean...

hmm... what about my hell?

my hell: i'd stuck in uplb for all of my life... everyone would say tonton's infamous action & quote of "*clap* pare badtrep"... everyone looking like tonton... no friends... no lovelife... no car... gian doesn't exist... wahahahaha!!!

thinning out clouds of smoke

2005-03-19T00:42:00.000+08:00

i started smoking...

to some people that wouldn't come as a surprise... to most, it's a good shock... for one thing, everyone knows i'm asthmatic... so it comes off a little weird that i start the habit when it's a risk to my health...

here's the story...

i'm an anxiety smoker... i smoke to relieve stress... i began to smoke during bench_seben's outing in fontana... they weren't as shocked as i thought they would be... they mostly understood...

those days, a pack of cigarettes could last me a week... nowadays, it's a different story...

the combination of stress from school, friends, family, money, love... life in general, led me to smoke a pack within 2 days... and yes... i'm beginning to be a chain smoker due to the tremendous amount of stress i'm going through...

and i'm not exaggerating... let's put it this way... when people get stressed, they lack sleep and get thin due to it... i'm thin as it is... i'm getting near waif right now... grr...

problems = anxiety = stress = smoking
problems = anxiety = stress = lack of sleep = waif

yihee!!!

2005-03-18T01:06:00.000+08:00

wahaha!!! uy kilig... uy kinikilig... wahaha!!!

i went to my last lts group meeting earlier... i'm not going to be present for the last meeting due to a scheduled chem17 exam but i still attended the meeting to offer my help (naks)... rj and gian were already there when i arrived (if you could remember, gian's my crush)...

i hardly wore skirts when in school and they saw me a couple of times in one... i was wearing a skirt as well that day... they immediately commented on it... gian even saying i looked better in a skirt than pants *blush*... after that, gian asked if he could have a pic of him & i taken as a remembrance *blush*... being the gentleman that he is, he offered me the seat beside him *blush*...

after a couple of minutes, it was obvious that we were the only ones that are going to be present for the meeting... since i didn't make it on time for last saturday's lts, they filled me in on what they previously talked about and asked me for some of my opinions... yadayadayada... after that, rj left while gian & i opted to stay around longer...

gian & i were talking about random stuff when i noticed cookie walk by... cookie is one of gian's crushes who looks like a fattened-up maxene magalona... cookie also has a crush on gian... she takes pics of him upfront... the thing is... cookie has a boyfriend... even when her bf's around, she still makes time & effort to get pics of gian...

gian told me he gets scared & irritated by her sometimes... she always manages to be around him one time or the other... she even texted gian one time saying that she saw him around raymundo gate (where most close college dorms are)... gian was only able to read the message after 4 hours and didn't bother to reply for 2 reasons: 1) too late & 2) so what if she saw him?

i kinda noticed that even if some of cookie's company was pulling at her to leave, she insisted on staying around even for a few minutes... i told gian that maybe i should leave coz cookie might end up hating me and want to kill me for being around gian... wanna know what gian said?

"wag... dito ka lang... kunwari girlfriend kita..."

waaaaaaaaah!!!! *blush x 10 to the infinity*

a couple of minutes after cookie left, we decided to head home as well... we both were heading towards the raymundo gate so we walked together... we talked some more before we parted ways...

hands down... it's the highlight of my day...

i was even jumping around and giggling for some time after i got to my barkada's place... wahehehe!!!

it's not goodbye... just a see ya later...

2005-03-13T00:46:00.000+08:00

why do i feel like everyone's leaving me? first, i was left alone in LB... sheena & steven took SATs for diliman, mark petitioned for manila, inna opted for baguio, cecilia's in singapore, everyone else is in ateneo... now jolleen is leaving for the states...

out of the whole gang, i connected with jolleen on so many levels... the greatest connection of all was that of music... now that she's leaving, i'll have no one to accompany me to the rock awards or mtv summit... i'll have no one to talk to about jay & the rest of kamikazee... i'll have no one to write with... i'll have no one to make music with...

i made her a cd (typical of me, yes)... some songs about leaving, saying goodbye, saying how hard it is to let go, saying how i'll always be here for her, saying to take care of herself, saying never to forget are what i put there... i even put some weird selections that will forever remind me of how unique she is...

i'm going to miss her terribly... i cried for a good 30 minutes after calling her to reply to her message... i love her lots...

i believe that once a person walks into your life, that person leaves footprints... each person has a unique footprint... one that can easily be distinguished from the other...

jolleen has left her footprints in my heart and soul... she has reached me like no other person could...

so... to the person i have had the greatest connection with: as you leave on your 10 am flight to LAX, i bid you not goodbye... just a see ya later... you promised me that... i'll hold you to it... i love you!!! i'll see you soon...

ties that bind

2005-03-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

as much as it hurts the ego to go back on your word, it hurts to be the one to be the first to make the move... but as much as ego exists to satisfy our own selfish needs, the necessity of closure has to take place at some time... the deafening silence that has fallen will have to be lifted once and for all...

i received a ym alert from roman... the silence has finally been broken... had i received this message a couple of months ago, i would have not replied and simply closed that window... but it's been some time now that i've let go... and so i've replied with the truth that has pulled me out of my misery...

yes, i did once write that i am considering not going back to the friendship i had... like i said... it's hard to go back on your word... it's also hard to let go of a 2-year friendship... true, it wasn't perfect... but it was a friendship nonetheless... my thoughts on that friendship has long been exposed and maybe now, we can work on it together...

it's going to be hard to go back to what we once were... but i believe i've said it before that if i do decide to go back to it, that it will no longer be the same and we might have to start all over...

i am to meet with him, either friday or saturday next week, whenever time permits...

as sure as i am about closure... i am as certain that i would freeze up when i see him... i've said hurtful words that i'm sure have cut deep... add to that the discomfort of being able to talk to my 'bestfriend'...

though i've said to him, that deep in my heart, he will forever be my bestfriend, i'm quite uncomfortable with saying that out loud... the boy will always have a place in my heart but i'm not quite sure if i could give him that place as of now... a lot of work needs to be done still...

but at least things are looking up... we just have to take things one step at a time...

my problems are diminishing... 1 down... 2 to go...

double header

2005-03-03T05:13:00.000+08:00

2 posts in 1... hehe...

MY FIRST TIME

get your heads out of the gutter people... i'm talking about another installment of my concert series of posts... the delta pi omicron sorority presented FIRST TIME: BAMBOO... with bamboo as its sole featured act...

they had 4 frontacts... 3 uplb bands and 1 updil band... 1st was sobrang nakaka-(i dunno the name really)... good band... they played good renditions of incubus' wish you were here and lacuna coil's heaven's a lie... next band was eminox (reminds me of 4th year hs... eminus!!!)... great instrumentalists, bad singer... they played an instrumental song... the lead guitarist had some amazing rifts... had they played instrumentals, i would have liked them... but the singer had to ruin that... the singer was feeling like a big rockstar when all he really did for the audience was deafen them... the sound system wasn't set right... so after making some weird movements, he made the mic screach several times... 3rd band was point7... ok band... never paid much attention... got bored... 4th band was matilda... i didn't know that the original guitarist died... last i heard she was critical but not yet dead... sad though... she was the screamer of the band in one of the songs... they're a 4 female-1 male emo (with less screaming) band... dark music with chant-like lyrics... the singer looked possessed as she sang... weird...

then came bamboo... sooooo not worth it... they lacked audience pull... they never talked to the audience... not even to intro another song... they just played...

i still say that my 1st uplb concert was the most worth it, with feb revolution coming to a close 2nd place...

my 1st concert was the monggols/rivermaya concert... to tell you the truth, i don't really like the monggols... but in comparison, i liked the monggols performance better... they at least had song intros...

i believe that rivermaya is one of the best concert bands... aside from song intros and audience conversations, everyone is a part of the concert... some bands have only the lead singer talking... with rivermaya, it doesn't matter if your the singer, the drummer or the audience... you have a part in the concert... that's what makes a concert fun...

i also think that the crowd and the company played a big part in me not liking the concert...

the crowd was half outsiders... outsiders that lacked respect for females that they mosh against us even if we get beaten over... opportunistic outsiders that stole the phones of my 2 friends along with, give or take, 4 others in our general area...

glad mine didn't get stolen... sad for my friends though...

this is the part where the 2nd post comes in...

FRIENDS COME AND GO

i had good company... but they reminded me so much of what wasn't there... i miss my beloved barkada...

i guess i should feel happy and lucky that i was able to find a group of friends like them here in lb... but the thing is... they are way too much like my BENCH_SEBEN... thus, i am reminded of the fact that college has not only separated us in distance but in heart...

i can only see my barkada if i sacrifice several hours of travel time (some even by plane) and a lot of money a student doesn't really have much of...

add to that, 2 of them are leaving for the US in a couple of weeks... i'm gonna miss those guys... i'm missing them right now...

so... even in the great company of the friends i have here (my dear brods and sisses), i feel sad that i'm losing part of my life...

on the other hand, it's causing some good according to other people...

we went to my apartment after the concert... i got to talk to 3 of my guy friends... they told me that they were glad that they had introduced me to some of the girls... they actually felt giddy when they saw me having a race with one of the girls because they said i looked happy...

in the back of my head, i was ready to break into a wide smile... maybe the old me is still alive somewhere... it seems that after leaving high school and being alone in the crowd here in lb, i've lost my spark... i'm not as hyper nor am i as happy as i am...

but after meeting them... i've felt great... at times you need the most, it's great to have friends that let you throw caution to the wind but still look after you...

i'm glad i found them... glad they found me... but of course, nothing beats the original... i'm sad that i'm starting to lose them... but at the very least, i'm beginning to be happy again...

conversations with fire

2005-02-27T01:00:00.000+08:00

I wish I could cut you off
I wish I could smother the flame
Another sweet memory dies
And this is the point where you say
“We’re better off nothing”
I know I’ll never find you, it’s my fault,
I wanted more than you were will to give
Take me, take me
This wouldn’t turn out right
All desperate plans are dropped
And I’m left with an empty hand
Soon I’ll breathe new air
But not without these tired lungs
Goodbye, things would rather end
Than go on, so go on
(The heart may be wounded,
But the eyes approve of you)

~Theme From Conversations With Fire

Chicosci

i believe i have reached my lowest point...

i don't know how it happened, when exactly it happened and why... all i know, i am not the person i once was... i am not the person i would want to be...

my grades are slipping... i cut classes more times than i go to class... i'm failing my core subjects... i'm lying to my friends... i'm pushing everyone away... and i don't know what to do anymore...

i was on ym and chatting with a friend of mine that apparently is going through the same troubles... he's actually better off coz he still has some will in him to do the right thing... i've lost it altogether...

we talked about all our troubles... studies, family, love, life in general... similarities are uncanny...

We’ve established that life isn’t simple. But is it really this complicated?

we're both failing classes... he started out first sem... i started 2nd... but it comes down to the fact that, although he fails, he tries... i've given up trying even before i'm given the chance...

when it comes to family, i guess we've both been neglected... although it seems that we're being given the material needs and wants and the occassional emotional needs and wants, we're being looked over...

as much as every teenager says that he or she would rather be independent, we can both say that "hey, we're still kids... we still need you"... but being far from the homes we've been in, we're as far away, probably even more so, from our family...

when it comes to love, we say to hell with it!!! rejection is a bitch... and though i say i've moved on, i can't deny that it hurts... but as another one of my friends once said: "no regrets"...

when it comes to life in general, it's pretty screwed up right about now... it's been screwed up for a while really...

i'm an idiot for not seeing the signs... they're right smack in front of my face and i chose to ignore them... damn my stupid self...

i should have reacted sooner... when everything that comes into your life seems to be going to the negative part of the scale, try to do something different... when every moment of happiness that is given to you doesn't even last for a day, seek for refuge... something's terribly wrong... that's my life right now...

i've found refuge in music... but even that has given me a big slap in the face...

when you're in a mood, you listen to some music that sings of that mood... something that tells you that you're not the only one dealing with this stuff... but then the harsh reality arises... you're reminded of what you're going through with every beat of the drum, with every note sung, with every rift played... and you're back to square one... sitting alone, revelling in your own pathetic self, not knowing what to do and where to go...

life sucks...

my friend told me that if this continues through the summer semester, that maybe it was best that i go on an LOA... that's my last resort...

i just hope that i find my sanity once again... that i find my peace...

for once, ever since i started this blog, i've revealed the reason why it was named this way... so yeah... i've been dealing with it for that long... it just now surfaced after being bottled up... when the pressure builds, there's nothing left to happen but burst...

if this existence isn't some kind of never-ending nightmare and it is, in fact, my so-called life, then reality really bites!!!

february revolution: a night of disquiet and rage

2005-02-25T04:01:00.000+08:00

if i had started blogging years ago... this would have been my 6th concert series entry... the 1st being my 3rd year high school concert, then my 4th year high school concert, the 2003 NU rock awards, Tunog Kalye with monggols and rivermaya, rockin rastah and the concert that transpired mere hours ago: FEBRUARY REVOLUTION: a night of disquiet and rage...

a fitting title really... baker hall was fully packed... the first floor was more or less the same size of an olympic pool... the 2nd floor balconies were the same length... it was jampacked... if you had no intention of moshing, it would have been best to just stay upstairs... girls and guys alike ended up moshing...

a friend of mine was cussed at coz he bumped into a girl a couple of times... if i had enough voice in me, i would have told her to head upstairs... she had the nerve to get mad when practically everyone around her was moshing, even the people she was with...

and of course... what's a rock concert without the blown up condoms and plastic bottles thrown around... luckily enough, i didn't get hit on the head by a bottle... but i got wet... some of them weren't completely empty...

things started off with 2 frontacts... kumquat (they were present at rastah) and dakab... i already knew what kumquat sounded like (a bit of slapshock) and they didn't disappoint... sacred letters has become my favorite song of theirs... dakab was a big disappointment though... at first i was kinda impressed since they had a female lead singer when their soundcheck sounded a lot like it could have been an urbandub or a softer version of chicosci type of band... first of, the rifts of their original songs didn't seem to fit... the singer didn't have a good voice and sounded like she was gasping for air... her voice wasn't even powerful enough... she practically killed their rendition of headstrong... her diction isn't good which leads to her swallowing her own words...

anyways... move on...

the 3 major bands of the night were mojofly, urbandub and parokya ni edgar... what can i say? DAAAAAAAAMN!!!

Nakita ko na lahat ito

Ipinahihiwatig ng mata mo

Salamat na lamang sa'yo

Oh wooh oh oh

~Mata

Mojofly

actually, they should be called: ali's band... ali is the drummer and the son of hajji alejandro... cute guy... even if more than half of the audience were males and would most likely rush to lugi, the very hot chick lead singer, a lot of girls actually climbed onto the stage and took pics of ali during mojofly's set...

they played a long set... probably close to an hour... some old songs, some new songs and even some covers... they covered, lilix's what i like about you, madonna's/spongecola's crazy for you, guns 'n roses' sweet child of mine and 99 red balloons... they even played another day and scooter boy, songs that were sung with the original lead of mojofly and my arch enemy (wehe) kitchie nadal...

after mojofly... the band from cebu, urbandub, took the stage... this band is a relatively new discovery for me... yes, i liked soul searching from the very 1st time i heard it at NU but only truly appreciated urbandub after the release of new tattoo...

I'll bleed for you

Like a new tattoo

In my heart you'll stay

Permanent

~A New Tatto

Urbandub

they had a short set... not quite as long as mojofly's but good nonetheless... and it is also because of urbandub that i have gained a new respect for reggae...

if you could recall my entry on rockin' rastah, i was pretty frustrated at reggae music... but after hearing the hybrid reggae-rock sound of sailing, i pretty much became hooked on it... but still, i'd probably only listen to the reggae that they play...

last but not the least... parokya ni edgar... vinci was no longer part of the band... according to chito, vinci has returned to his studies...

parokya played a shorter set as than mojofly but longer than urbandub... (mojofly looked more like a finale band than parokya really) they played some of their most popular songs from their previous albums... buloy, don't touch my birdie, sampip, sayang, this guy's in love with you pare, silvertoes, chikinini, yes yes show, your song, harana (part 1 and 2)... i'm not sure if that's all they played... i forgot... it was pretty weird hearing yes yes show without vinci's vocals... gab didn't even change the name... chito said it was to keep vinci in our memories... nyaha!!! it was as if vinci was dead... joke...

highlight of the night has to be when they played don't touch my birdie... remember those flying blown up condoms? well... a condom went flying right to chito... and let's just say that chito made a pretty lewd act to go with the song... mind you, it was a large condom balloon in front of the lower half of his body as he gyrates to the song... hahahaha!!!

so that's the concert of the moment...

albeit, i came home sticky and wet from sweat and some juice/water that was poured on me... that i'm shaking from weakness due to continuous slamming and jumping... it was definitely worth it... WAY WAY WORTH IT!!!

so long sweet summer

2005-02-22T14:13:00.000+08:00

So long sweet summer,

I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.

So long sweet slumber.

I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.

Hey thanks, thanks for that summer.

It is cold where your going

I hope that your heart is always warm.

I gave you the best that I had.

You pased on my letters

& passed on the best that I had.

So long sweet summer,

I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.

So long sweet slumber.

I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.

I hate the winter in Lexington.

~ Age Six Racer

Dashboard Confessional

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

i had my 3rd math long test yesterday...

there were 10 problems on related rates, maxima/minima and curve sketching... out of those 10, i only got to finish 3... incomplete on a couple... but i'm only sure of 1... huhu :(

i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have to retake math36 during the summer months... i mean, i was already planning to take summer classes to lighten up my load... but i don't wanna retake a class...

oh yeah... i also got the results of my 2nd chem lecture exam... i failed... i got a 44... i got a 48 in the last exam... only one test to go and then finals... shit...

my chem lab instructor also discussed our 2nd lab exam... the 1st exam i failed by 3 points... the 2nd i'm pretty sure i failed just by listening to her discussion... shit...

i'm 2.8% away from passing physics3... which is good considering i know a couple of people that are in the 30%+ range...

microbiology1 is going good... save for the lecture... i failed the last exam by a point... doi... and i just had the 3rd exam this morning... all i can say is: 'argh!'... my prof gives the hardest exam out of all the microbio lecturers...

i hope i only have to retake math36... maximum academic units for summer classes is 6... math36 is 5 units, chem17 is 5 units, physics3 and microbio1 are 3 units each...

save for microbio1, all my subjects are core subjects... meaning, if i fail 1, one of my subjects for the following sem wouldn't be given... if that isn't bad enough, chem17 is a seasonal subject... meaning, i can only take it during the 2nd sem or summer sem...

so let's all hope...

it's quite a turn around considering that my grades last semester almost got me on the honor roll...

my brain flew away...

compatability

2005-02-20T00:44:00.000+08:00

i swear... this will be my last (somewhat) love/relationship related post for this month of february 2005...

ok... so i was on the bus on the way to LB this afternoon... the tv on the bus was tuned to 'GAME KNB?'... it was the final question round thingy...

the question was: compatability, literally means let's ____ together.

luke mejares' answer was: maglaro or play...

obviously, the answer was wrong...

compatability is often the word used for a relationship... whether it be business or personal, compatability means that two people or a group of people work well or get along, sometimes are even said to be perfect together...

well... at least that's what's everyone has been led to believe...

compatability is derived from the Latin word compati... compati may then be separated into 2 other Latin words: com and pati... com means together... pati means patient... and no, it's not patient as in a person with a virtuous quality... patient as in a sick person... someone suffering...

put them together and you've got compati... which translates to 'to suffer together'...

well there you go... another proof that love or whatever other relationship isn't what it's cut out to be...

to love is to suffer... ouch...

love is like a drug... it can make you high,

but it's never good for your health...

therefore... love sucks...

psychoanalyze a tulip

2005-02-16T22:33:00.000+08:00

it's been 2 days since valentine's but it seems that the love bug isn't about to let up soon... if it's not me being all mushy, it's someone around me... if it's not me that's having heart issues, someone around me is...

it would have been ok since it is, after all, the month of the heart... but come on!!! i am not the only person that every other person can come to for comfort... i don't even have the answers... i can barely find an answer to my own problems...

hmph... let me explain further...

case 1: jobo and karen
my friend jobo is my blockmate's (karen) ex-boyfriend... they broke up at the beginning of the 2nd sem and haven't spoken since...

out of the blue, jobo asks is he should give karen flowers for valentine's... i told him my opinion, that he should just for the sake of friendship and nothing else... i don't exactly know what happened between them... neither party would tell... so after saying that he should, i also told him that it's still his decision and what would happen can't be blamed on any other person that said that he should go thru with it...

so he did decide to give karen flowers... tulips to be exact...

wanna know what happened?

apparently, their relationship ended on a bad note... because even i could not have been prepared for what karen's reaction to the flowers was...

"Gusto mo bang itapon ko 'to?"

mp... jobo was offended... his roommates, close friends and i were all sad for him... he looked quite the pathetic person that night... poor guy...

poor me... i felt sort of guilty because i told him to go with it... but he reassured me that it wasn't my fault and it was his decision to go with it...

he just kept asking me why it happened that way though...

doi... i wouldn't know... he never said anything about their relationship... she never said anything either...

i couldn't answer...

case 2: andrew and febi
i'm not really close to these 2... i guess i was just there and andrew trusted me enough to divulge his whole dilemma to me...

andrew's my lts groupmate and febi's his orgmate... their relationship is quite something...

it started out as the typical love-hate relationship... andrew constantly picked fights with febi without actually knowing why he was picking fights with her... he just did...

and as confusing to everyone why that ketpt happening, it's sudden end brought just as much confusion and andrew and febi became close...

at one of their org meetings, they and some of their orgmates were talking about a couple from the org... they even coined the couple as 'lover's delight'... febi was lying on andrew's bed while andrew was sitting down on the floor...

one of febi's hands was tucked underneath the pillow... andrew, being the playful guy that he is, started playing with febi's hand under the pillow... this didn't go unnoticed and before they knew it, they became 'lover's delight #2'...

febi wasn't much for jokes and was very much irritated... sadly enough, the jokes never stopped... days, weeks, months even, and still no one let up...

why?

because andrew did feel a more than friends feeling for febi and everyone knew it but her...

so he aked me for help... blue rose or tulip? i said blue rose... but he said, febi said a tulip... he went for something in the middle...

he decided to give febi a blue tulip...

he was planning to give it sunday to prevent his orgmates' teasing from getting on febi's nerves... however, febi was busy that day...

valentine's day and andrew was nervous... he actually asked me if i could be the one to hand over the flower to febi and say it was from some anonymous guy... that didn't pull thru...

tuesday, andrew asked one of his female orgmates and she handed over the flower without saying who it was from...

febi got teased about her having been given a flower, got irritated and walked away from them... andrew texted her and asked if she liked it... btw, the flower was accompanied by a hanky she left with andrew and a green flame lighter...

febi said she liked it... but for some reason, she's been avoiding andrew...

weird right? sure, i left some parts of the story out... but it still comes out the same... she's nice to andrew thru text but it's a whole different story when they meet in person...

i've learned one thing about these 2 situations...

tulips are evil...

if you want your valentine's to end on a nice note, stay away from the tulips!

post valentine's (you never knew)

2005-02-15T21:34:00.000+08:00

yeah yeah yeah... i know...

shoot me if you want to but there's no way you can stop me from being mushy...

i found this article thru geni's blog... it was originally posted in peyups.com... this was written by someone under the name tingkerbell...

YOU NEVER KNEW

I stand in front of the sunrise today, filled with awe at the beauty that lies before me. I wish I could have at least an idea of what falls beyond the horizon, just as much as I wish the sea will open up to me and eat me whole. Yet the sea seems to bear a somewhat unexplainable message I couldn’t decode. Something perhaps everybody knows about, something I should have known a long time ago just as much.

I stand here between the sun and the sea, both of which existed since time immemorial. I lay still, nursing my cup of coffee that turned cold, as cold as your heart has become and my pack of cigarettes, as stale as my love for you. The love you never knew existed.

The wind blew right into my face, sending shivers to my spine. It gently flew away my hair that covered the tears that I have unconsciously cried for you. I did not notice how strong the wind has become until I felt it leaving a dry saline line upon my face.

Suddenly, like a dream that has been haunting me in my sleep, I see a familiar event flash right in from of me. I could see myself alone in a room crying till there’s no more tears left to cry, holding on to my pillow that has become my faithful companion in the advent of my trying to put you to oblivion. It has never been easy for me to have always fallen asleep with pillows still soaked with tears as I wake up. Yet, you don’t have the faintest idea of these all, do you? You never knew.

So here I am, escaping from the bondage of you. I am a hundred miles away from the past that I am painstakingly trying to mend. This journey is for the part of me I wish to redeem, for no other reason but to put you all behind me. These will be the last tears I’ll cry for you. It won’t be easy, I know. But just as the sun that never fails to rise each waking moment of every day and the sea that forever links one landmass to the other, this decision wouldn’t fail me. You will now be just a past worth smiling about as I think of how much I will be capable of loving another, in time. I did love you, you know. To the point of surrender. But then again, you never knew.

You were then my entire universe. Its time you ought to know.

sad isn't it?

yep...

the story of my life...

i adore the writer...

yeah!!!

valentine

2005-02-14T11:53:00.000+08:00

it's valentine's day again... or as jolleen says, singles' awareness day or some of the other alternative holidays she's named on her blog...

i don't have a valentine... i don't really know if i want one... but it is kinda nice to know that there's at that one special person that you could spend the hallmark holiday with...

am i looking? i dunno... but one day i wanna be able to spend my valentine's day with someone...

my previous posts have had some sort of criteria mentioned... i guess this one would have that too...

i'd love a guy who will understand all of me... that even if i switch my moods every second, he'd still stick around thru every annoying moment...

i'd love a guy who can be with me wherever and whenever i wanna go just because he'd like to be able to keep me safe or lend me his jacket when i get cold...

i'd love a guy who can swim but still wear floaters/lifesaver/lifevest all at the same time just for fun...

i'd love a guy who can tell me 'my eyes had hearts when i saw you'... the type of guy that can be mushy with me...

i'd love a guy who can clean the house... that if and when we end up together, i'd know i won't become his slave...

i'd love a guy who can go anywhere, even if via commuting, but will not get lost... just to let me know that i can always find my way when i'm with him...

i'd love a guy who can play any sport like it was made for him but still let me win a couple of games to not crush my ego...

i'd love a guy who cares about me and keeps me by his side... yet, he would still let me explore the wild side of this world...

i'd love a guy who can really dance close to me... making me feel safe and wanted in his arms...

i'd love a guy who can sing to me... even if he isn't one of the greatest singers just because his voice comforts me...

i'd love a guy who's easy to get along with... so when he meets my family and friends, they'd be comfortable with him and he'd be comfortable with them...

i'd love a guy who's really openminded... that he won't be offended if i voice out my opinion... he'd hear what i have to say before speaking his own argument...

i'd love a guy who can totally balance his time... he won't sacrifice any of his passions for anything...

i'd love a guy who can make me say 'thank you' when he calls me 'beautiful' or other compliments that a girl couldn't usually accept from a guy...

i'd love a guy who can really make me feel that i belong in his world... that i'm not just another girl to place in his black book...

i'd love a guy who'll really find me when i get lost in a place coz i'm not in my right state of mind...

i'd love a guy who can really pay respect to other people even in the most complicated of situations... even if words are thrown, he'd still be cool, calm and collected...

i'd love a guy who can make me weak just by throwing one of his smiles my way...

i'd love a guy who can make me laugh when i'm so troubled... he'd make me see that i can be able to make it if i walk my days with him...

i'd love a guy who can ride along with me when i say i wanna have a baby and can really make me feel that we do have a baby without freaking out or thinking that i'm nuts...

i'd love a guy who can discipline me in a manner that won't make me feel inferior, stupid or worse about myself...

i'd love a guy who would wait for me to fall asleep before going to sleep himself... just for him to know that i'm safe in my room...

i'd love a guy who would take care of me when i'm sick... even if there's a good chance he'd contract my illness by staying by my side...

i'd love a guy who would let me take care of him when he's sick...

i'd love a guy who's not scared to admit he's scared or that he needs help... he's willing to show his imperfections...

i'd love a guy who likes to pinch my chin everytime he sees me...

i'd love a guy who'll make me switch the channel when i see news about the oblation run... my eyes are for him as much as his eyes are for me...

i'd love a guy who can make me look into his eyes when i'm not telling the complete truth... coz he knows how much his eyes are irresistable to me...

i'd love a guy who'll never hurt me physically... i can't ask for a guy who won't hurt me emotionally... coz love involves hurt no matter how 'perfect' a relationship is...

i'd love a guy who'll respect me at all costs... that even when i've hurt him, he won't say anything to get out of the situation... he'll hear what i have to say without losing his calm...

i'd love a guy who'll never take me for granted...

i'd love a guy who can fight for me no matter what the situation...

i'd love a guy who'll say 'i love you' during the most unromantic moments... that even when the world is crumbling, i know he still cares for me and he'll be by my side...

i'd love a guy who, even when i walk out on him and run into the rain, will chase after me and hug me tight, whisper he loves me no matter what... signifying, that no matter how big the obstacle, no matter what we go through, he will always be there with his hand waiting for me to intertwine mine with his...

i could die happy if and when i've met a guy that can be all of these things for me... but these things are incredibly specific... incredibly hard to find...

it seems that i'd be falling in love with an impossible to find guy...

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride;

I love you in this way because I dont know any other way of loving.

~Sonnet XVII

a true friend

2005-02-12T19:49:00.000+08:00

how can you say that a person is a true friend? are there specific characteristics and ideals that a person has to fit into to be called a true friend? and if there are, what are they?

so many questions, so little time...

anyways... i do think that there some certain things that fits a person to be able to be called a true friend... but then again, it really depends on the point of view of a person and whatever thing the situation calls for... helpful, caring, someone to talk to: pretty general things...

as of right now... here's my criteria to be called my true friend...

characteristic #1: attentive/knows how to read me
i'm pretty predictable once you get to know me... you'd know what makes me tick, you'd know what makes me happy... i think it's important in a friendship to know these 2 things... it makes getting along easy...

characteristic #2: concerned
so concerned that even if i don't say it, you'd know (or at least notice) that something is wrong... it kinda goes along with the attentive part... like i said, i'm pretty predictable... showing that you're concerned is another way of saying that you care because you're worried without having to go thru the mushy bit... but being mushy is kinda nice... depends really...

characteristic #3: knows when to help and when to back-off
i think i've made myself clear in the previous post that i am my own person and i do what i want to do on my own time... i'd like a friend to know that... someone that would help me get thru something (even if i don't ask for it) but still let me choose my own way of doing it... sorta just be there to help me steer... be a guide not a boss...

characteristic #4: trustworthy
trust is the foundation of all relationships... a friend is someone that you can tell all your deepest and darkest secrets... of course you'd expect that he/she doesn't go around telling everyone else those secrets the minute you turn your back... i don't like it when people talk about me behind my back... i'd like it better to be said in my face (even if it's hurtful)... at least i can learn from my mistakes...

characteristic #5: understanding
i'm pretty moody... i need a person that understands that... this kinda goes along with #1... i can be super happy one moment then end up snapping at you the next... i'm also known for getting mad at someone without that someone actually knowing what they did... actually, either they intentionally did it and didn't really care how i felt or they were so caught up in themselves that they thought what they did was fine... it's not that i'm short-tempered, it's just that there are a lot of things that can set me off... i need someone that understands that...

characteristic #6: readily apologizes
it's hard for a person to say i'm sorry... i need a friend that could go past that and be able to say sorry whether i said that i was offended or not... i'm not asking for a person that would apologize for every little thing... i just want a person to not only see the faults in me but also the faults in themselves... friendship, after all, is also a 2-way street...

characteristic #7: someone that meets you half-way
everyone needs to make a sacrifice every now and then... in all forms of relationships, sacrifices are made... like i said, it's a 2-way street... i'm not really expecting to get something back when i give something to a friend... but at least show some gratitude...

characteristic #8: someone that would sacrifice for you
love is friendship... friendship is love... sacrifices are needed to be made to get to where you wanna go...

characteristic #9: not afraid to be mushy
everybody needs reassurance... even if it would sound mushy and end up ruining your reputation, it's good to hear that you love, care and think of your friend...

characteristic #10: there for you
that even if you're not that close, even when you don't talk that much, when i'm in need, i know someone will always be there for me... (bond, mighty bond: uy!!! you fit this one... Ü be touched!)

there you go...

i know, i know... too specific... too much to ask for... i'm picky i know...

i'm not really asking for all of these things from a person... i don't need all these things in a friend... but it's what i look for... even if it's just 1 out of the 10, it's still good in my book...

why am i writing about these stuff? coz over the past few weeks, i've come to realize who my real friends are...

to those guys... i'm pretty sure you know who you are... i just hope no one would be 'feeling' and think they're like this to me when in reality, they're not... ;þ

lady macbeth

2005-02-09T19:18:00.000+08:00

'OUT! OUT! OUT YOU DAMNED SPOT!'

that line could pretty much represent how i feel right now... i'd like to get rid, heck, erase some 'spots' from my life...

first: kitchie nadal

well... maybe not kitchie... she's a good musician... she makes and sings good music... but i'd like to erase one particular song from my memory...

for one thing, the song's overplayed as it is... for another, i'd like to erase a particular memory attached to that song... everytime that song's being played, they look to me... everytime kitchie's name comes up they look to me... moreover, it's now being used as some sort of ammo against me... so i choose to get it out of my head... i can't really erase a person, you know?

second: the assumption that you could tell anybody anything and everything that goes on

you and someone else are experiencing a falling out and you're feeling troubled by it... you'd go to someone you feel could help you, right? you'd go to a person that you trust... you'd go to a person that you feel, even to some extent, know something about what's going on... RIGHT?! you don't DARE to FUCKIN' go to someone that doesn't KNOW any of the SHIT that went on... it's not something you talk over during a stupid outing or a bonfire or a sleepover or some other type of crap... FUCK!!!

the whole world does not need to know OUR business... keyword: OUR... so yeah, i did go to some people to talk, sometimes bawl my eyes out to them... AT LEAST, they knew what has been going on... they knew from the start... they were my refuge... the only things that kept me sane... where do the people you told stand?!?!

third: people that think of different ways for you to go about things

it infuriates me to have people think that just because they know an ounce about what's going on, they could think of a way to have it end in a win-win situation... this part should have been posted long ago... i just never dared to waste time on these people 'til now... i can't help if the fury builds...

anyways... i've got it figured out... but they just have to go against it... they have to say that 'you're just saying that coz you're mad'... well FUCK YOU!!! who the heck let you into MY mind and showed you how I think?!?!

next time i come across another dilemma, i'll make sure the person i talk to has gone thru or is going thru the same thing as i am... (thanks jolleen, for making me realize that...)

fourth: the reason for all this

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

i'm learning... pretty fast... as of right now... i don't want anything to do with you... to hell with anyone that would dare to go against this... remind yourselves of #3...

so you got the space... and as they say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'

not for me... hallmark postcard makers weren't harsh enough to let people know the complete quote... you wanna know what it should say?

ABSENCE DOESN'T ALWAYS MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER. SOMETIMES, ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART FORGET.

this is my ode to lady macbeth... to let every frustration out... to get rid of all the pent- up anger... to let go...

rockin' rastah

2005-02-05T03:49:00.000+08:00

my 2nd up concert as an official up student... with the rivermaya/monggols concert being the 1st... i don't think freshman night counts...

i was excited for this one 'coz of the bands... especially kamikazee since i was just texting puto (bassist) earlier... he was weird... he was performing yet he had no idea who else was gonna be performing...

anyways...

there were a heck of a lot of bands (aunt audrey, kwatro bente, kumquat, humble sauce, peace pipe, typecast, valley of chrome, coffee break island, chicosci and kamikazee)... which kinda explains the early 7pm start of the concert... i was coming from my mcb1 lab exam and went straight to the venue... and when i got it... shit!!! i had to force myself to not laugh at entom soc (the organizers)... there was absolutely no one in sight... haha!!! aside from me and a couple of my lb friends, there were a total of 20 people in there, including the entom soc members... haha!!!

but it was understandable... some people were having tests from 7-9pm... and most people are veterans of up concert and know for a fact that they do not start on time...

10 minutes of sitting around, we decided to walk to mcdonald's to grab some food to eat... then we walked back... they've started and about half of baker hall was filled and there were still a lot of people in line... aunt audrey and kwatro bente were already done with their performance... we walked in during the setup of kumquat...

kumquat is quite good... the rhythm and beats of the songs remind me somewhat of slapshock... after kumquat was humble sauce and saw dean... humble sauce remind me of a more rocked out brownbeat all-stars or something like radioactive sago project... reggae, basically... not exactly my kind of music... and with about half of the people sittng down, i think it's safe to say it's not theirs as well...

so, to feed the hungry crowd... typecast and valley of chrome was launched into the lion's den... yeah!!! my money's gonna be gone before i even feel it on my hand... i need to buy a lot of cds, typecast's and voc's being 2 of them... typecast's 'breaking my heart' is slowly becoming my favorite... it's still running thru my head right now...

bit of trivia: i hardly remember a gig wherein chicosci wasn't with either typecast or voc or both... guess it helps that voc's manager happens to be the lead guitarist of chicosci's gf... haha!!! automatic gig via the gf/manager...

coffee break island was the next to play... and guess what?! they're a reggae band as well...

don't get me wrong though... i have a lot of respect for reggae... but it's sorta an acquired taste... but i just don't get coffee break... they're songs pretty much sound the same... save for whatever onomatopoeia the song's about... seriously... i never want to hear another dog bark... and i don't particularly like songs that last more than 15 minutes thank you very much!!! but i thought it was quite cute that one of their songs had the popular rhythm of 'sesame street'... nyehe!

so ok... 3 bands left... dean and i were already wondering which band would be the last to perform... we pretty much knew that imago was next... so it was either chicosci or kamikazee...

anyways... so imago plays... dean and i simultaneously pointed to the bassist... why? it was sandwich's bassist... haha!!! filipino bands really have a knack for sharing members... so back to imago... the played songs mostly from their indie album... aya said in between songs that they'd be selling cds... dean and i agreed to buy one for each of us... so we were waiting for imago to come towards the bands' exit... we never saw her... but we never left that area until a few minutes later... and it was worth it...

we were still thinking who the next band will be... low and behold... miggy chavez comes walking past (damn!!! he is one short guy! i think we were the same height)... so yeah... CHICOSCI!!! nehe!!!

i am once again in love with miggy chavez... and mong alcaraz... and carlos calderon... and damn!!! stop me... haha!!! anyways... they played 4 songs only since baker hall had a curfew and all that shit... if you ask me, they should have played at least 5... the crowd was definitely responding to them... i doubt anyone was really sitting down (unless they were injured from moshing)...

i was half expecting them to perform 'shallow graves' at the end since it's one of the more popular songs from 'icarus'... but it was the 2nd song... complete with clap sequence by the audience... teehee!!! so what was the last song?

PARIS!!! even if it was from their 2nd album that came out some time ago, the song seems to be timeless... it will never lose its spark... it's still one of the best, if not, the best song i've heard from chicosci... and once again... i fell in love with miggy and mong because of that song... miggy's words and mong's guitar skills are a lethal combination...

even if i don't really want to... let's move on...

and finally... kamikazee... dean and i were already reminiscing about the 4th year hs fair concert... oh yes!!! we remembered jay and his antics with jolleen... jay and his handstands... bords with the deteriorating snare drum that needs to be supported by another person... and then we realized, they're taking a damned long time... they were taking longer than chicosci... which is hard to believe, since mong still had to set up a keyboard and yug still had that aux drum set...

led zeppelin was the 1st one out (i'm never gonna end my fascination with that name)... he kept toying with the amps... then bords... who kept hitting the drums to see how much strength it would take for it to fall down... there were 2 people that kept tightening screws and whatnots on the drum set... haha!!! then jomal and puto came out... this time, they actually had to move an amp from one side of the stage to the other... it was a whole 15 minutes before they actually played...

but it was DEFINITELY worth the wait...

they played both new and old songs... starting things out was 'shit sobrang init'... then into a slew of new songs... i didn't catch the titles... one song was something about love, one song had the word basketball and involved jay blowing a whistle several times... the other was about sexy chicks... they also played 'mmm sarap', 'girlfriend' and 'tsinelas'...

this was of course, not without jay's antics... he was rolling around on the floor... and dancing a stange running man-type of dance with jomal... and oh yeah! he serenaded another girl (ahem!!! jolleen!!!) haha!!! by then, it was around 1 in the morning but everyone was kept awake because of kamikazee (oh the power!!!)... i think it was all jay though... i mean COME ON!!! the guy was left in his boxers at the end of the show!!! (yep... you read right... we had a free strip show from jay)

so that was the end of it... i didn't get any signatures or anything... entom soc's security plan was that good...

and now i can't (and don't wanna) sleep... jay's keeping me awake... if i do fall asleep... i need to wake up at 630 to go to manila... but when i sleep i'll be happy coz i'll be dreaming of miggy and mong! haha!!!

harassment!!!

2005-02-03T14:25:00.000+08:00

4 years of being enclosed in pisay, a year of which spent with the likes of janze, joby, sambayan and runas, another spent with the likes of leo, kirstoff, edward and bene, could not have prepared me for one of my blockmates...

oh yes... i finally met someone that matches, if not, goes way beyond the way my batchmates' minds went...

in all honesty, i don't wanna say what was said or done... i'm disgusted by it yet i know it was all in good fun... but still... i can't help but feel harassed at the fact that it was almost as if i wasn't there for them to say it or that i was one of the guys...

people have such sick and twisted minds these days...

to cut or not to cut... that is the question... and for sheena's sake...

2005-01-31T18:04:00.000+08:00

i wanted to kill 2 birds with one stone with this one... i wouldn't have time to make another entry and if and when i do get the time, i'd probably forget what i needed to write... nehe! ;)

i was looking at the hall mirror to see if i looked presentable to step out of the house and head to class... i noticed that my hair is getting long for the heat of LB... i'm contemplating whether to cut it...

fyi... my hair is the same style as that of when i went to my 3rd year hs prom... almost the same length too...

so i need comments... do i cut it or not...

and this one's for sheena... and jolleen as well... :)

this is gian from his gangsta days... haha!! kidding... it's from his wannabe gangsta days... :)

po-tay-tow po-tah-toe

2005-01-26T20:02:00.000+08:00

ok... i have a friend that has a crush on tom welling... i have another friend that has a crush on jay contreras from the band kamikazee... frankly, i don't get what they see in those guys... i'll admit, tom welling does look ok... and i don't know about jay... he's weird...

but i think karma has bitten me in the ass because of what i think about those 2... why? because my 2 crushes as of now, look a hell of a lot like jay and tom...

EMMANUEL "YUMI" CALSO
the one that looks like jay... bs applied math... graduating (now everybody, say 'awww')... i met him thru my lts2 class...

you might be wondering as to why he's called "YUMI"... it's because of his hair... he doesn't comb it as much... so it looks like a cloud that's forever sitting on his head... still confused? "YUMI" is supposed to mean something like dream... dreams are usually represented in drawings as a cloud above the head... hence, the dream to cloud to hair analogy...

anyways... he's nice... out of all my lts2 classmates (aside from joan, a batchmate), he's the only one i've really talked to... nothing about class, nothing about work... just talk... he's actually the first one to greet me... he's a listener... he laughs at my attempts at humor, whether it be an actual joke or just my sheer sarcasm and bitterness... like i said: listener... he's easy to talk to... he's open... and... he LOVES chocolate!!! finally!!! i meet a guy that could very well understand why women are obsessed with chocolates... haha!!! :)

moving on...

GIAN CARLO ROSALES
the tom welling look-alike... mind you, it helps that he likes superman... he loves to wear his superman shirt... just like yumi, i met gian thru lts2... he's one of my groupmates (and yes, i spend more time with him than i do with yumi... which is why he's #1 right now... nyaha!)... bs biology... graduating (and again, 'awww')... but he's looking forward to med school... another 'awww' factor: he's got a girlfriend that looks somewhat like cheska garcia (what is it with people looking like celebrities?)

anyways...

gian's a perfect gentleman... ok, maybe not perfect, just a great guy with incredible politeness, generosity and overall niceness... he doesn't like it when people curse at him, much less curse himself... a lot of crap has happened to us due to lts but i highly doubt he's said anything bad... he just says it's unfair... and that's it... he'll offer you to ride in his car to save you from scorching heat just to get to a restaurant or whatever place else that's worth a 5-minute walk... he'll pay for a plate of sushi and half of your meal just for preventing him from having lunch alone... he'll offer to take you to the bus stop or the mrt station so you wouldn't have to walk the 10-minutes to get there... he's open... he likes to talk about interesting, sometimes weird, stuff... he has a passion for the weird (hansel mocha sandwich topped with loads of wasabe... think about it)... the guy has a great smile that somehow tells you "you need a friend? i'm here!"... and everyone knows that a guy's smile is what completely pulls at my heartstrings...

whoa... ok... enough mush... but hey... he really is a great guy... he's got a great smile... he's cute... he's smart... he's nice... he's interesting... and he's got a girlfriend... it figures... the great ones are always taken... doi...

so yeah... those are my crushes...

i still find it weird that i have crushes on look-alikes but diss the originals... what do you think?

lazycus... idioticus... stupidus...

2005-01-25T19:50:00.000+08:00

i think i should have my own species name... any of the 3 above would do...

i've said it once... i've said it a million times... i suck... math sucks... life sucks...

so ok... i'll explain why i deserve my own species name...

LAZYCUS
i've been quite lazy the past couple of days... weeks... months... years maybe? i don't know... ok... i've been asking for a new blog layout... some of my friends offered to help me make one... i'll just type whatever they give me and it's ok... i received one of the layouts... it's cute... better than what i currently have right now... but lazyness just had to step in... so yeah... i haven't touched it yet...

the lesson: you want a nicer blog... you work for it... doi...

another thing... i was looking for half of my math notes... the room was a mess (guess why)... and i didn't want to look or even bothered to look under everything... so no math notes... the househelp comes... cleans the room... and leaves me without any knowledge as to where my math notes went...

the lesson: get your butt in gear and clean the damn room!!!

IDIOTICUS
the day of my math midterm, 3 of my guy blocmates went to my place after our class... i actually still had a history class but i decided to cut (teehee)... so anyways... we were eating snacks... i put my knee up against the back of a chair just to lean on it or something of the like... the back of the chair has 3 bars... my knee went in between 2 bars... i was stuck for a good 15 seconds while they were laughing at my helplessness (huhu)...

the lesson: do not lean on a chair that has divisions on it... you might get stuck and get laughed at...

STUPIDUS
guess what? i failed my math midterm... i don't have the official score yet... my teacher just discussed it... and i was wrong in all the problems she discussed... i am now unofficially a finalist for math...

the lesson: find your damn math notes before someone cleans up the mess you made...

is anyone willing to share their will power and brain?

braindead

2005-01-21T20:45:00.000+08:00

yep... i am officially braindead...

a math long exam involving derivatives and a chem exam on 6 exercises, 5 drills and 6 topics taken one after the other could kill...

and i got killed...

my math exam started at 5:30 and was supposed to end by 7:30... i left at 6:45... it wasn't that i couldn't answer any of the questions... i think i missed one problem and not quite sure about 2 of my answers... anyways... my chem exam was supposed to start at 7... thus the reason i left math early... chem was supposed to end at 8:30... i left at 8... and this time, i did leave coz i couldn't answer anymore... huhu...

i suck...

math sucks...

chem sucks...

and i have a crick in my neck from having to bow my head to read and answer the exam...

doi...

i wanna cry...

2005-01-19T19:43:00.000+08:00

... but i can't... it's stoooooopid... well, not really if you're some kind of nerd that's obsessed with school... but as of right now, i'm obsessing with school...

yep! you heard me... i'm obsessing with school... i kinda made a vow that i will finish my 5-year course in 4.5 years... and i was soooo hell-bent on it too... that is... until i got my physics exam results...

i suck... the passing was 65%... i got a 39%... nyihe... doi... 2 more to go...

i also failed my 1st math exam... 3 more to go... then add a midterm a pre-final... and hopefully, not a final... argh!

it's frustrating really... i wanna do better... i wanna finish school as soon as i can... but i don't think my brain and my body are cooperating... obviously if my brain was cooperating, i'd be ceiling-high when it comes to happiness... but nooooooooo... i just gotta suck... and my body has just been thrown for a loop... just when you think you're gaining weight and all happy 'coz you're just that closer to looking normal, you just gotta get the flu and lose everything...

and yes... i'm still sick...

*sniff*

woe is school

2005-01-10T21:17:00.000+08:00

i've said it once... i've said it a million times... school SUCKS!!!

tests are hell... requirements will be the death of me... add a little bit more stress with reporting and stuff... ugh... i hate school...

ok... so 1st day of classes after the christmas break was january 4(tuesday)... our math teacher announced before the year 04 ended that our 1st long exam was going to be on the 2nd day of classes(wednesday)... on the 1st day, she announced that she moved it to thursday... good right? NOT!!!

the test was hard... it was 'departmental' for 3 or so classes... only 10 out of 35 passed my class... heh... i got a 45 out of 100... yes... i know... i suck...

then another test comes along... physics was scheduled on the 1st saturday... yep... i said saturday... completely unfair... it's bad enough that they took away our weekend, but it just had to be a freakin' test!!!

i know i'm whining... some people *ehem* danna *ehem* have tests on sundays... but think about it... most of the students from her campus (up diliman) live in the area or near... while here in my campus (up lb), most of the students are the ones that didn't have enough IQ to pass diliman and are actually from manila... so yes... most of us didn't get to go home... *sniff*

the test was... er... something... short... but quite confusing... i don't really wanna think about it anymore...

requirements suck too... i have a full report due tomorrow for my chem lab... i'm still not finished... i HAD to take a break... my hand hurts from writing cramps and the hard plastic against skin contact... i've written 4, almost 5 pages... why a full report was required to be handwritten when it's that long, i have no idea... if they're worried about plagiarism, why don't they take the time to check whatever books or resources we used?

and oh yes... i have to report to SAS on wednesday... *rene... it's not ASS as i previously thought... it's SAS... figure out which S means what... hehe*

well... school STILL SUCKS!!!

can't all schools be like that one from the movie 'school of rock'?

merry christmas and a happy new year

2005-01-01T20:46:00.000+08:00

... not ...

is truth really just a myth now?!? jeez... even the holidays are tainted... it should actually say 'have a boring christmas and a fucked up new year'... at least that's how it was in my household...

i know, i know... it's a bad first entry for the new year... so what? it's my life not yours...

i think the true essence of christmas has been lost in the mass of decorations, shopping bags and robbers/snatchers... a few years back, a kid would actually be happy about seeing a present under the tree... now, there's not even a tree... they've been illegally logged... but seriously, giving gifts right now have become some sort of obligation to someone's kids or godkids or whatever kids... the truth behind christmas is sharing what you have no matter how little it is... it doesn't matter if it's a coupla million dollars or half of the last piece of cookie...

how was my christmas? boring... my family has never been whole since i was little and i doubt it will ever be whole... one of my cousins was sick, the other was being a pain and the others were in other locations... and the folks? halfway past asleep or locked up in the bedroom... and yes... i was the only 'kid' actually present...

if you think that was bad, wait til you hear about the most fucked up new year of all...

my family's a mess as some of you may know... but now it's gone to a whole new level...

a feud has been going on between my mom and her sister... everyone else is torn between... all bias aside, my mom gets my vote... if you knew the situation, you'd be on my mom's side as well... my mom's said something that hurt my aunt years ago... my mom apologized... apparently, she wasn't forgiven...

my aunt's selfish... when we were at a financial advantage, my mom treated her all-expense paid to boracay... my mom took the brunt of the costs for my grandfather's funeral... now that we're not so stable financially and that she's the one with the money, we don't get anything... it's not that i'm looking for payment for what my mom's done, just maybe some sibling consideration... but nooo... my mom's been silent about it since i have to go to and fro manila because of college and her place is the only place i've got to stay... if i had a choice, i'd never talk to her again...

my aunt's also self-centered... just because she's miserable, does that mean the whole world has to be miserable as well?!? here's the thing... she has a nepalese boyfriend that lives in nepal right now... they haven't seen each other for months now... so the idiot locks herself in her room with the music on full blast or goes out with her friends and comes home wasted... sometimes she actually throws tantrums about how she lost a stupid picture and even picks fights with whoever...

new year's day was the last straw for me... i was sleeping peacefully until my mom burst into the room crying, saying that we should go home... i asked why... and apparently, my bitch of an aunt was in one of her stupid moods and denied my mother food...

FOOD!!! muthafuckin food... what?!? is there only one fish left in the world that you had to deny anyone else from eating it???

despite my grandmother's efforts of making us stay and making the bitch apologize, we left... my other aunt (2nd oldest) offered to take us to the bus station... my uncle (youngest) was actually trying to console the bitch... i don't think it's because that's the side he chose... i think it's because he's unemployed and has nowhere to live but there... it made me sick... i didn't even eat... if i sat at that table i would probably stick every fucking plate of food down her throat...

fuck her... i don't ever wanna see her again... she'll get her someday... an aries... dependent on those that surround her... though she pushes people away, the aries will always be the first to run back... it's karma... i hope her boyfriend breaks up with her... i mean... hello?!? he'd rather play diablo all day than talk to her... idiot...

there's only so much you can do to hurt me... make my mother cry again and i'll unleash a whole new dictionary of expletives at you...

reasons to the end

2004-12-12T20:26:00.000+08:00

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is You

And the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

~The Reason

Hoobastank

so shoot me... it's a freakin love song... but i think it fits the theme... you might need to backtrack to some of the previous posts just in case you forgot what i said... anyways... here are my reasons...

1. we never really talked

i've had my share of friends... close or not, we still talked... when it came to him, it's just based on text messages... and even those are filled with joking around and nothing much that you could really base a friendship on... on the few times we did talk, we talked about other people... nothing about us... everything he knew about me, he didn't ask from me... he found out from his roommate...

2. things were unequal

take the part of me having this huge crush on him and loving him out... i was there for him... when it came to me needing someone or something... it seems like he's always the last to know... if not, he just finds out the same time the whole world does...

3. i can't be my whole self around him

everyone has their own preferences... he likes rock, he likes to joke around, he can be an ass at times... i can only be part of who i am around him... anything outside of that, and i'd probably be the laughing stock of his mind...

i've explained myself to some close friends... and they don't get it... but what's to get? they're not part of the drama going on between us... all they can offer right now is the support and probably hope that things could indeed work out in the end...

i mean, it has happened before... this story has happened once or twice but it was the other way around... the 1st time, it took a couple of months before we could consider ourselves friends again but it took 2 years for us to actually talk... a different story happened, another fight between friends... 2 years later, we started talking again... and the most recent one that's similar to this situation... well... it's an on and off thing... it depends if he's acting like an ass or i'm being my moody self... but we talk... we're close... save for the guy that is the cause of my drama, he would most probably be my bestfriend (you know who you are)...

so for this one, i don't really know... maybe in 2 years we could make a new beginning... if he's lucky maybe he'd end up like the last one... who knows... but for right now...

I don't wanna see your face

I don't wanna hear your name

I don't want a thing

Just stay away baby

Don't wanna know if you're alright

Or what you're doin' with your life

Don't wanna hear that you'll stay in touch maybe

I'll get just fine

So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

Don't expect me to be there

Don't think that it will be the way it was before

And I don't think I care

I'm not over you yet

And I don't want to be your friend

I'll forget we ever met

I'll forget I ever let

Ever let you into this heart of mine baby

You just gotta let me be

You gotta keep away from me

'cause all I want to be is just free of you baby

Don't you come around

And say you still care about me

Go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night

Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
And I don't think I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend

You take it casually, and that's what's killing me

I'll get by just fine

So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

Don't expect me to be there

Don't think that it will be the way it was before

No, no baby

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

I don't want to be your friend

Don't think that it will be the way it was before

I don't want to be your friend...

~ I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend

Nina

conspiracy theory

2004-12-06T13:26:00.000+08:00

ok... i had known about this since saturday night but only now am i posting this up and rant and vent and whatever... (i didn't have net access... so shoot me...) thanks to sheena for letting me know about this little bit of info... and to rene for opening up a topic i thought was burried 6 feet underground...

i went to get glasses made coz i'm beginning to get blind... anyways... my mom and i were going to take the SRT home... it was the same station that i went off that day i went to visit my "bestfriend"... i was kinda jumpy... i was thinking, it's saturday... he might need to go home today... he might be here! i dunno... i was on the train home, every station we stopped at, i had this fear that he was gonna come in even though we already left the station where he usually does...

and about that feeling jumpy... it doubled... i had this weird feeling that someone was looking at me... but when i turn around, no one's there... i turn my back, yet i still feel like someone's staring...

that night, i talked to rene and then sheena... rene told me that he found out about the situation from sheena and wanted to know if he can help... heck... we went through the same thing... but for some odd reason, i didn't want him to help... i didn't want things to be better... i want things to end...

for reasons too personal, i'd rather not post it until i've talked to my friends about it... get some advice maybe...

ok... back to the talks... later that night... i talked to sheena... i found out why i was jumpy... he was on the same freakin' train... he saw me... sheena even said that he felt weak when he saw me... duh! who da hell wouldn't?! i mean, you're in a weird situation with someone and then you suddenly see that person... wouldn't you feel surprised or something... like you don't know what to say or do? yeah... go figure...

it's a conspiracy... it's something you don't want to happen... you stress over things and next thing you know, it's right there in front of you... even after praying to the heavens for it not to happen, the elements just don't agree with you...

it sucks...

it's christmas!!!

2004-12-02T14:05:00.000+08:00

it hadn't stuck me til early this morning that it's almost christmas... i almost forgot to make my wishlist!!! hehe... :)

it's not that long anyways... and the stuff on it isn't that expensive... maybe the most expensive 'realistic' gift would be less than 2k... some are more on the 'one could only hope' list... ;Þ here we go...

1. world peace
2. cure for aids
3. cure for cancer
*these are important man...
5. a car (blacked out mitsubishi lancer gsr)
4. new mp3 player (the little one by samsung)
5. new phone
*this would be the end of the one could only hope list...
6. red high-cut converse chuck taylor's (there's a sale in SM Mega B on December 16-19 on all converse stuff... 40-80% off...)
7. lost prophets cds (i think there's 2...)
8. korn greatest hits cd
9. new hard drive for my pc (i ran out of freakin space...)
10. navy blue blanket from baguio
11. bob marley posters
12. rivermaya 'free' album (this could be downloaded from their site... somehow i can't load it...)
13. bench 'blue' perfume (this is like P100...)
14. zen zest 'magenta' (it smells good... cecilia's was tangerine... shamoy!!! is it nice?)
15. serendipity 'frozen hot choco' mix
16. zip-up hoodie (the one that even the sleeves can be taken off and be used as a blazer...)
17. baseball caps
18. southpark videos
19. more friends
20. a lovelife (this could be added to the 'one could only hope' list)

see... it's short... if you're kind enough to get me one of these gifts, tag me... :)

easier than i thought

2004-12-01T19:59:00.000+08:00

i thought i'd have a hard time, and a long time at that, to get over the guy... i was wrong... i guess i've held on to the feelings for so long that after letting everything out, the whole world got lifted off my shoulder... or maybe my subconscious was actually over it even before i let it out... that i was just holding on for the sake of my sanity... either ways... i feel free now...

heck... i hardly think about it anymore... unless a person talks about him or whatever, he never comes to mind... harsh ain't it? but hey... it's not like i forgot about it... i just pushed it aside... it would just ruin my concentration on other things anyways...

and again... if he's reading this... so be it... i've laid out all my cards when it came to us... i'm not stopping now...

he knows...

2004-11-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

You and me

We used to be together

Everyday together always

I really feel

That I'm losing my best friend

I can't believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go

And if it's real

Well I don't want to know

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me cause it hurts

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories

Well, they can be inviting

But some are altogether

Mighty frightening

As we die,

both you and I

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending

I gotta stop pretending who we are

You and me I can see us dying...aren't we?

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts

I know what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't speak,don't speak, don't speak, oh

I know what you're thinking

And I don't need your reasons

I know you're good,

I know you're real good

Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la

Don't, Don't, uh-huh

Hush, hush darlin'

Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

Hush, hush darlin'

Hush, hush don't tell me cause it hurts

~Don't Speak

No Doubt

he knows... and surprisingly, i'm doing better than i thought i would...

i am such a coward by the way i told him... i just asked him to read the damn blog... i didn't have the guts to tell him face-to-face... heck! i didn't even have the guts to at least send him a text message... nope... i just sent him a damn im telling him to read the blog... oh yes...

so anyways... he sent me a text message this morning about how he feels bad about me getting hurt, how being his bestfriend was the biggest thing that has happened in his life, and that he was sorry that this was all we ever could be... he was also asking how he could somehow make it up to me...

frankly, i'm quite frustrated with him... take note, frustrated... not angry... anyways... the reason i was frustrated was because he was acting as if it was his fault... and no matter what i say that it was never his to begin with, he still feels guilty... it's not something to be guilty of... he never even had a clue... he never saw me hurt... why start now?

i told him that the best thing he could do right now was just to keep his distance... i told him not to contact me... at least until i've stopped hurting...

i always thought that we'd be bestfriends, if not forever, at least for a long while... i never thought stupid lovelust could get between us... but it has... and right now, i don't know if i want to be his friend anymore...

it sounds silly i know... but i don't think that i can actually stop hurting until i've erased my memories of him... being around him would probably just remind me of what i never had... that would just hurt too much...

he knows this blog's address... i don't care if he reads it... i've said everything that i have to say to him in this blog... he already knows everything... so why stop there? just leave it out in the open...

letting go...

2004-11-22T20:00:00.000+08:00

if you smile once after crying for 10,000 times, it's just not worth it... i'm giving up on him...

dianne once told me that you can never claim you've given up unless you've given up trying... well i've given up trying... no matter what i say or do, he never did nor will he ever will see me eye to eye...

roman's my bestfriend... i've written what i felt for him in a previous post... but i'm throwing that away now... i've looked down on myself for so long because of him and i don't want to do that anymore...

i'm letting go...

it's going to be hard... not because i've felt for him for so long... but because for so long, i am still to keep him my friend... his staying by my side would exist as a constant reminder of what i could have but never really had... he never knew anyway... i can't let it ruin a 3-year friendship...

he will always be my bestfriend... JUST my bestfriend...

this hurts...

2004-11-21T20:59:00.000+08:00

i found this bulletin post in friendster... sheena posted it... this one really struck home for me... i edited this for my non-filipino readers...

Pseudo-relationships ("you’re together but not really" stage)

The "you’re together but not really" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Pseudo-girlfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.

There may verbal agreement or not. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, or neither have said anything. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. No formal wooing occured. You’re not together. But in the way you both move, the things you say to each other, it feels like you’re together, but not really.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, you just don’t want to get back together yet. It can also happen before a relationship, both parties wanting to get a feel for it. It’s also possible that both of you don’t really want a serious relationship so you’re just playing it by ear, testing it. Maybe because one of you is currently in a relationship. So while he hasn’t broken up with his girlfriend (he says he’s going to but he never really gets to do it), you don’t have a relationship with you so he wouldn’t be cheating since there was no other relationship anyway.

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. This is especially true if you’re really just looking for someone to “play” with. Just don’t expect to actually get to a relationship because there’s no certainty.

So why do a lot of people settle for this type of setup if there’s no particular goal? A lot of different reasons. It could be just for fun. It could be “better this than nothing” or just until you find someone else. This means that as long as we don’t have the real thing, stay with the pretend relationship.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that a pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "butterfly in stomach" feeling. But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of setup, someone ends up with the short end of the stick, the one that fell in love with someone that’s already taken.

Firstly, you can’t ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. You’re not together. You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Who are you to be jealous.

Secondly, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can’t be sure if he feels the same way. You may just be assuming that he loves you too. Even if you are trying to tell him you love him, you can’t because you’re not sure if he will like it. You might just embarrass yourself. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship or if there is a relationship at all.

Thirdly, what if you become too attached? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn’t? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Another downside of pseudo-relationships is it’s fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, you don’t know where to position yourself in a pseudo-relationship.

You have no hold.
In a pseudo-relationship, there is no “us”.

There only exists “you and me” and never “us”.

fortune tellers

2004-11-21T01:21:00.000+08:00

my mom was telling me stories earlier about her trip to marinduque... she told me she went to 2 fortune tellers that were very highly recommended by her friend and some other people there...

she asked about pretty much the whole family... but i'm not going into that... this is, after all, more about me... (hehe!;p) anyways... both fortune tellers (separately) said the similar things... that i was a good kid...

yeah right!!!

but i misunderstood... it was more of me learning from my mom's mistakes good... me making sure i was ready before deciding on doing something big type of good... they said that i'd be successful and that i won't get married until i'm absolutely certain that i'm ready... the biggest thing for me is that i'd be able to find a guy that would absolutely love me... someone they said that i deserved...

erm... everything they said about the rest of the family was true... about the traits and why they were that way and everything... so...

i hope what they said about me comes true!!! haha!!! call it corny if you will...

wonder how it feels...

2004-11-19T21:56:00.000+08:00

my dear mother went to mariduque last week... she left saturday and was supposed to come back monday... but due to weather conditions, she got stranded and only got back this afternoon...

i wonder how it feels to get stuck in a whole different place... i wonder what things i'd miss... who i'm going to wish was with me...

on a lighter note... realization over the smurfs...

2004-11-18T21:58:00.000+08:00

i was watching reruns of SNL a couple of days ago... the segment tv funhouse was on... you know...? the one were they make up a cartoon or make their own story of an existing cartoon... the one i saw was that of the title "smurfette show"... sort of like the "anna nicole show"...

so anyways... smurfette got fat in the cartoon like anna nicole used to be... and she was horny as hell... haha!!! she has the itch so she goes to the gynecologist... the evil guy (i forgot the name) plotted to kidnap smurfette by having his trusty cat disguise himself as smurfette's obgyne... and oh my god!!!

the cat's name was azrael... yes... the same code name i use... but believe me... when i chose the username azrael, it wasn't because of that cat... i don't even like the smurfs... their too weird and to stupid (no offense to the smurf lovers, everyone's entitled to their own opinion)...

i got the name from a poem made by one of my clubmates in high school... azrael in 'i dunno what language' actually means the angel of death... yes it's kinda weird... i'm not a masochist or a sadist... i'm not fond of pain or creating pain... i just like the sound of it... plus it's actually quite a pretty name...

i can kinda relate it to things in life... sometimes the things that are beautiful can give you great pain... while things that you'd rather not see bring about some sort of greatness...

STRESS!!!

2004-11-17T19:08:00.000+08:00

wow... it's been a relatively long time since i last posted something up... school has whacked out my life... you all know about the crap that is my sked... so yeah... i haven't been online for some time...

why? it's either i have tons of homework... and to think that this is just the 2nd week of classes... argh... the other reason is that even if i do have time to go online, i'd be halfway to sleepyville because i didn't get enough sleep the night before coz of the homework or i had a very tiring day...

this is frustrating... somebody please get me out of college!!!

muthafuckin shit!!!

2004-11-11T21:15:00.000+08:00

i hate this sem!!! i have the worst schedule... i have the worst teachers... i have the worst college life period...

start with the sked... all my classes start out at 7am in the morning... which is quite frustrating since i'm an insomniac that takes all of 4 hours to get to sleep... i have breaks at 8-9... which i think is the most boring breaktime... mondays i have a 10am-3pm break... why couldn't they have just moved my class to an earlier time so i can have continuous rest?!? tuesdays i have no lunch break... i have 2 consecutive lab classes... my time goes from 9am-4pm nonstop... wednesdays i have to run from the math building to the biosci building... it's a freakin long way... er... at least it's not math building to baker hall... thursday is quite fine... classes end at 1 for me... friday is even better since classes end at 10... so i can go back to manila by 12 or 1pm... BUT... i have saturday class for LTS2... sucks i tell ya!!!

so i've ranted with the sked... now let's move on to the teachers... my microbio teacher is nice... she's the director of biosci... which could only mean that there is no way for any of our classes to be cancelled... and oh yeah... my hand hurts from 1 hour of taking notes continuously... my chem17 lab teacher is fine... i just don't like her quiz per meeting thing... chem17 lect is another story... i'm under sabularse... the biggest chem terror when it comes to tests... i'm scared of my math36 teacher... she likes to be called ma'am h... she has a commanding presence which can scare anyone... we're quiet in class... we have quizzes every meeting as well as graded recitations... i honestly get shaken up when she turns to face us to ask a question... phys3 lect is the same... quizzes every meeting and tons of homework... i haven't met my phys3 lab teacher yet... so i don't know about that... my hist1 teacher and microbio lab teacher are the only ones i really like... then again... it's just the start of the sem... i might change my mind...

argh!!! does anyone know how to apply to be a registration assistant??? i'd like to arrange my sked for the next 4 years...

haay... finally!!!

2004-11-08T20:55:00.000+08:00

whew!!!

that's all i have to say for the past 4 days... my enrollment for the 2nd sem started at 1pm last friday... it ended 11am today... it's a hassle to enroll... but at least our system is slightly better than that of upd's... we already get fixed skeds... you just have to add or cancel some subjects here and there... but other than that, it's smooth sailing...

and oh yeah... i tried to get to this dinner that a friend of mine was having back in manila... we were supposed to meet at mickey d's at 6pm last friday... but... i was stuck in freakin' traffic!!!

i hate traffic... i hate commuting... i hate enrollment...

er... who doesn't?

adventure!!!

2004-10-30T01:49:00.000+08:00

haha!!! i commuted on my own from cainta to mapua... whoa!!! that's the farthest i've commuted alone aside from going to LB for school...

why? to visit my bestfriend... :) yes... the same bestfriend that i said i was madly in love with... well... not so anymore... i mean, the feelings are there... they're just, i dunno... dormant??? i'm not really sure... maybe the hype with him died down and i'm actually getting over the guy...

anyways... that's too long of a story for my itty bitty hands to type...

i was supposed to go to mapua with my friend sheena... we were actually problematic about it since we didn't know how to get there... all we had were instuctions via text... when we got that, sheena had some family, er... father issues to deal with which she said could foil our plans...

so i wake up way early to call sheena... her phone was unattended (sheena: if you're reading this, always charge your phone or don't turn it off when you have plans the next day)... so i decided to just hold my breath and go on this adventure alone...

i took the lrt2 as instructed... luckily enough... there were some mapua students on the lrt2 i just followed out... unfortunately, we got separated when they crossed the street... stupid me... i dunno how to cross the street properly... anyways... i got on a bus to head to cityhall... no problems there... but then i had to figure out where the freakin' underpass was...

luckily enough (again)... i spotted a guy wearing a mapua shirt... so i followed... and found myself in the mcdo just in front of mapua... saw my bestfriend, chatted, ate lunch, chatted some more and then left...

the way home was pretty easy... i just backtracked ;)

allure of chuck

2004-10-26T01:57:00.000+08:00

i just borught a new pair of dark blue high-cut chuck taylor's... i'm obsessed with those shoes... i want a red one, a green one & a purple one... all of which high-cut... i don't like the ones that are in pastel colors... or the swirly ones... they're weird...

my styles changing... i would never look twice at chuck's before... wonder what happened...

grades

2004-10-24T01:54:00.000+08:00

i went to LB last friday to get my grades... i've been through some emotional troubles this past semester that i know would affect my grades... surprisingly, not much so...

i computed my grades and found out that i have a 2.184 gpa... which is not so bad considering i have one hell of a course... chemical engineering... sheesh! what the hell was i thinking when i wrote that down on my application... oh yeah... maybe i wasn't thinking... or... i just plead temporary case of insanity...

anyways... i'm slacking when it comes to studies... usual me... why can't i be like some people that turn their lives around, get 1.62 gpas and become half-scholars... er... ok... i'm bitter about the grades...

oh well... i can't blame it on anyone... just me...

end of days

2004-10-19T01:53:00.000+08:00

dianne has left for cebu... and i've come to realize that my barkada will never be the same again... if by any means they are able to read this, i'll be guilty that i may cause another rift between us... but at this point, the rift is big enough as it is...

i went to breakfast this morning at mcdonald's... it was supposedly dianne's "despedida"... 8 out of 17 were present, including dianne... 3 of the MIA people are in far away places like singapore or northern phils... some we don't know... but 1, steven, hasn't been home for the past 3 days and we have no idea where and how to contact him... he and dianne are special to each other... him not being there was a big confusion for everyone... but then i found out that they haven't really been talking for some time now... like i said... rifts...

and oh yes... the "mark incident"... mark lives closest to that particular mcd's yet he was the last to arrive... he came in with one of those extra large black and white cards... everyone thought it was for dianne... then mark goes and says "guys sign this for me... 4th monthsary na namin ni me-an"... what the heck am i going to say to a girl that the only thing i know about is her name? seriously... everyone was sorta pissed about that...

anyways... when dianne left, we went our separate ways... a few of us, namely sheena, rupert, ejohn, jeric, mia, myself and, later on, myriel went to greenhills... we actually just ate there and got to talking... it's weird... i was with dianne earlier, the girl that i've been friends with since the first day of high school, yet i felt distant... then i was with some people that i became close with maybe the 2nd or 3rd year but i felt more at home with them... i actually felt better when it was just us sitting at that table rather than have dianne or hans along with us... and apparently, i wasn't the only one feeling this way...

is this the end? is the barkada through?

the good, the bad & the ugly

2004-10-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

so... ok... i'm back home in manila... that's good... but i have to go back to LB a coupla times to get my classcards... that's bad... why not just stay in LB til i get all my classcards? coz then i'd be wasting 1 week out of my 3-week sembreak... anyways... i found out earlier today that one of my closest friends plans to complete the rest of college in her hometown of cebu... that's just plain ugly...

if you would go back to a previous post of mine, i've stated that my barkada isn't really in a good shape... i fear that her departure would cause such a crack that we'd just completely fall apart...

physical distance is one thing... we won't be able to see her and talk to her or even say hi and smile at her whenever we want to... but there are other ways of communication... but then there's the emotional distance... there are just some things that you can't say over the phone or e-mail or text... there's too little emotion involved in those things as compared to being able to talk to, see and feel that person...

my barkada is my stronghold... i've kept myself in that stronghold in all of my endeavors... my problems, my joys, my successes and everything else about me, they know... having Dianne leave gives me fear that we'll never be able to go back to how we once were... or that my stronghold, would just cease to exist...

yay!!!

2004-10-16T00:26:00.000+08:00

after the rollercoaster of emotions that is this past 2 weeks, i finally have something to cheer up about... i going home to manila!!!

college is fun and all... no wait... let me rephrase that... college has its ups and downs but i am so so so very happy that i get to go back to manila... my family's there, my barkada's there, the malls are there... haha!!! practically everything i need is there...

i mean seriously... this place has no freakin' decent mall... there's a mall called Olivarez that basically houses a grocery store, broadway gems, diplomat, fastfood chains and some tiangges... that's it... like a normal teen could survive on that!

and oh yeah... there's a pseudo robinson's here... and guess what?! it only has 2 freakin' floors... you just go up the escalator and there's the whole mall for you... and yes... majority of the place is a grocery store...

it's not that i'm a shopaholic... more like a windowshopper... but hey... at least there's something decent to look at... here... you just better be looking at a gray wall... or maybe a 10-page term paper...

late reaction after finding something new

2004-10-15T02:53:00.000+08:00

ironic... funny... weird... i don't know what to call it... i found myself crying as i sit in front of my pc after accidentally opening one of my mom's files... curious... it was labelled "NOEL"...

i found a letter that was meant for Noel... in it my mom discusses everything that went on with her and my stepdad for the past 11 years... and some even before they were together... all the ups and downs, the fights, the make-ups... everything...

i feel like an idiot... a lot went on that i knew absolutely nothing about... looking back on it, everything that has happened made perfect sense to me... i can't really discuss what it is... it's immensely personal... anyways... i felt sorry for my stepdad...

after reading the letter, guilt came crashing onto me... in all those years, i never really "connected" with my stepdad... i mean... yes, i loved him as a father... but i never really talked to him as my father... i rarely converse with him at all... i really am an idiot...

i wish i could go back in time... i wish i could have even just a few moments to talk to him... even if it's just to ask how his day went or to say anything at all...

it's true what they say i guess... you never really know what you've got 'til it's gone... and that regret is always in the end..

coming to terms

2004-10-14T03:09:00.000+08:00

so i'm back to the odd hours... finals are over for me... i'm just now waiting for my classcards to be released and then i'll be officially on break...

but anyways... i went to my stepdad's wake... btw, the 1st family's holding it... my mom told me to not show any tears coz not everyone knows about us... well... they do... they just don't know what we look like... only my stepdad's eldest son knew what we looked like but he's nice... he's actually the one that took charge over the situation...

as i was talking to Noel (the "stepbro"), i found out that they don't know at exactly what time he died... they just found him dead by the time everyone in the house woke up... it's sad... they never really got to say goodbye... there was just no time for it... which is the only thing my mom regrets about both families' situation... we took the time that was supposedly theirs... but Noel said it was fine... he said that he knew that his dad was happy with us... and he was grateful for that...

my mom was so tensed during our 1 hour stay there... who could blame her? the first wife was just a few pews away... i admire her for not shedding a tear at the wake... she's a strong person because of my stepdad... if the situation was different, i know for a fact that she would never leave the side of that coffin, never stop crying, never stop caressing the glass that's between them...

i wanted to cry when i saw him... usually at funerals, they would have pictures of the departed during happier times... the picture he had was one where he was laughing... his face was round, smile reaching his ears, full of life... but as i looked into the coffin, i saw the shell of a man i considered my father... he was only in his late 40s... but he looked like he was over 70... he got so thin because of the cancer... i wanted to cry but i didn't...

i was actually impressed with myself... i cried when i got to talk to him before his chemo... actually cried myself to sleep that night... but at that moment, i didn't shed one tear... maybe because i came to terms with it long before it happened... long before i even realized that i have come to terms with it... cancer's in my family... i lost my grandfather to it... so i guess you could say i was "practiced" with it...

but still... it doesn't stop the pain...

shit

2004-10-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

Wish I'd told her how I felt,

Then maybe she'd be here right now,

But instead...I pretended I'm glad you went away

These four walls closing more everyday

And I'm dyin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show

The pain is real even if nobody knows

And I'm cryin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say

How could I let my angel get away

Now my world is just a tumblin' down

I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two

And I'm nobody without someone like you

I'm tremblin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three

I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me

Yeah, my heart is callin' you

And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart

But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart

A million words couldn't say just how I feel

A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

Yeah, ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,

Nobody, nobody, but me.....

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road

Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go

And I'm gonna unload my heart

And hope you come back to me
Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely...

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me...

~Nobody Knows

Tony Rich Project

so yeah... my stepdad died last night... that's all i have to say about that... just read into the song...

insomnia ends now

2004-10-10T21:53:00.000+08:00

if you take a look at the previous times that i've posted, they were actually during odd hours in the morning... well that's going to end now...

i have finals tomorrow, so i gotta get to sleep early... argh! i've been a "forced" insomniac for the past 3 days... i don't know how the heck i'm going to force myself to get to sleep...

anyways... the insomnia ends now... or at least until my finals are done... oh wait... the insomnia won't end... i just won't be able to spend those odd hours in front of the computer but rather with my head burried in books...

can i just fastforward to the day after my finals???

frustration

2004-10-10T02:58:00.000+08:00

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't 'di mapakali
Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y 'wag mo na itong palipasin
At subukang lutasin
Sa mga sinabi mo na
Iba'ng nararapat sa akin
Na tunay kong mamahalin

Oh, huwag na huwag mong sasabihin
Na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

Ano man ang iyong akala
Na ako'y isang bituin
Na walang sasambahin
'Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot-langit ang daing
Sa mga sinabi mo na
Iba'ng nararapat sa akin

Na tunay kong mamahalin

Oh, huwag na huwag mong sasabihin

Na hindi mo nadama itong

Pag-ibig kong handang

Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sa 'yo
At sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa 'yo
Oh oh

Oh, huwag na huwag mong sasabihin

Na hindi mo nadama itong

Pag-ibig kong handang

Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo

~Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin
Kitchie Nadal

have you ever felt that you've finally gotten over someone only for that someone to turn around to haunt you again? then the feelings you thought were finally burried deep came rushing back to the top and you can do absolutely nothing?

i said a brief excerpt of this problem in one of the previous entries... i was (probably still am) in love with my bestfriend... the thing is, he isn't in love with me... that's the farthest thing actually... i'm the one he tells all of his sordid love problems while i'm the one i wish he was gushing about... shit, i'm pathetic...

anyways... it's been a month or so since we've had any form of contact... btw, i'm in uplb, he's in mapua... i thought i've gotten over him coz i really haven't put that much thought into him... so i thought that contacting him (even if just via text) would be alright...

we did the usual checkin up on each other, raggin on each other and whatnot... then he says he needs to get to sleep coz he's got class tomorrow... so i replied with an "ok, goodnyt!" and thought that was it... apparently not for him... he actually called me after i sent that message... he told me goodnight... even said i love you...

for any other bestfriend, that would be enough... but it wasn't for me... i wanted so much for those words to be meant more than what it would mean for a friend... just at that fact alone, my heart broke all over again... add hearing his voice to that and i melt...

god! i am so pathetic... why can't i just fall in love with someone else?! heck! why can't i forget him?!